Addiction

Does anyone know of someone who is addicted to something? Of course you do, everyone has some type of addiction, whether it's drugs, technology, working, caffeine, etc. Well, I grew up in a family of alcoholics. So, this is for them, but more specifically my mother.

Mom, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't fully understand what it's like to endure something like cancer or a miscarriage. I'm sorry if you felt I wasn't there for you, but I always will be. I'm sorry I didn't grow up to be what you thought I would, but I'm helping so many people. But mostly I'm sorry that we don't have a relationship that's very positive. Addiction has taken control over your life and for me, as a social worker, with solutions to the issues, that is so frustrating. I was always taught you can't help those who don't want the help. So, for right now, I will wait and when you're ready, I will be there with solutions.

Mom, why do you choose the alcohol over your family? Why do you let it have that much control over you? Aren't we important, too? Don't we make you feel good, too? How do we help when you don't want to help yourself? Mom, I need some answers because I'm struggling too. I need to know if this is what our future holds, if this is where our relationship stops, if I will never get to understand why the alcohol is so important. I love you, Mom, I really do, but everything that has happened is because of you. Can't you see that? Can't you understand that my hurt and your hurt are one and the same?

Mom, the drinking has to stop. The yelling and blaming others has to stop. I didn't deserve it. Neither does your husband or other children, my brother and sister. We only want to help in whatever way that means. The hurt and the pain that has been caused by your actions is sometimes unbearable. Drinking to the point of suicide and trying to take your life twice, why? Why did you do it? Why couldn't you ask for help? When I got that phone call, it was like a part of me died. It was like I couldn't breathe and I was struggling to comprehend what was being said on the other end. I didn't get it, but yet I did, because I have been there too, but I wasn't there for you. You were there for me when I was going to commit the deed, but I didn't know things had gotten that dark for you and if I did, you would have never even tried. You were one of the strongest people I ever knew, what happened? I know you think medication and counseling are helping but it's not going to for much longer. I don't want you to die. I don't want you to die.

You've always taught us to be the best version of ourselves, so why aren't you? You can be so much better than this and trust me, I understand you've been through some terrible experiences, but those are supposed to make us stronger and help us to learn different lessons. God puts those experiences in our lives for a reason because He knows that we can handle them and move forward. But Mom, I feel like you're stuck in space and time just waiting to die. I hope that someday you will find peace, but I don't want that to be because you crossed into the light. I hope someday you find forgiveness, but I don't want that to be when you die. I miss you and I miss having you in my life. I hope someday you will feel the same, but hopefully not after you've died. Please, Mom, help yourself.