Act of Forgiveness

We celebrate our birthdays every year and usually there is that one person that celebrates it even more than we do, our mother. They reminisce about the day we were born or tell some silly story about us when we were just infants. They take pride that they brought such a unique and smart individual into the world. That is the case for most mothers. Some mothers forget to even call you or wish you a happy birthday in any way. Maybe it’s not even some mothers, maybe it is just mine.

My relationship with my mother was stormy at best on our good days. It had a lot to do with the fact that when it came to raising me she was M.I.A most of the time. Whether it be drinking or men, there always seemed to be something more important than me. By the time my little sister arrived I guess she thought she’d change her ways and she sure tried. She tried to be the mother to her that she wasn’t to me and on occasion I’d take the chance and try to live in her new world of motherhood. Most of the time it ended with me running back to grandma and grandpa’s.

Eventually, my choice was to be with grandma and grandpa all of the time. I couldn’t take the moving, the drinking, or the various step fathers I was exposed to while denying me the ability to know anything about the man that fathered me. It just simply didn’t work. She was different with me than she was with my sister almost as if she had some unbridled envy of me because of that relationship I had with my grandparents. She knew it was her fault but she denied it every step of the way.

Our adult relationship didn’t change much. While staying with her off and on I was belittled and made to feel like an outsider. I was repelled by her avid alcohol use. Regardless, I always tried. After all, she was my mother. She was the reason I was on this earth and so I thought I at least owed her that much. To love her and forgive her time and time again whether she asked for it or not. Whether or not she even admitted any wrongdoing, I forgave her over and over again. She was the only mother I would get.

It’s been about three weeks since she passed away now. She was riddled with cancer in her lungs and brain. The cancer in her brain was a real doozy. It made her say words she didn’t mean to and it made her awfully hateful, at least to me. That’s because through it all I was there with her in her last days. I took care of her. I nurtured her. I took the verbal beatings she would occasionally give me. I did it all in the name of forgiveness and love. I loved her because she was my mother and I forgave her for myself.

I didn’t forgive her for her. She never even acknowledged her lack of parenting when I was younger. She scolded me for grieving for my grandma for too long. My grandma, the woman who did actually raise me and take care of me all the years she was just too busy to. I forgave her so I didn’t have to hold on to it any longer. All that anger and resentment inside can be a constant darkness that you can’t escape, but forgiveness is the answer and acceptance is the key.

First i had to forgive myself. I had to forgive myself for all the anger and hostility I had toward her. Sure, it may have seem justified at the time, but it always left me feeling worse about the situation. Second, i had to forgive her. I had no idea what was going on with her when I was kid. I have no idea what mental illness may have been lurking around undiagnosed. I really have no clue. I have hearsay from both her and my grandma, but only they know themselves what was really going on. Forgiveness takes strength, but it also gives freedom from negative thoughts that can take you down a very dark road.

I watched my mother take her last breath. I kneeled by the side of her bed and cried. I held her hand and kissed it. She wasn’t supposed to leave yet. Not just yet. I had time to spend with her and I had something to tell her. I wanted to tell her that I loved her more than she knew and that I forgave her. I wanted to tell her my life would not be the same without her in it. Those words will be left unspoken, but I know she knows I loved her and I forgive myself for not being able to express those feelings when I should have.