"Abandon"

Wait. Why is abandon in quotes in the title? Give me a few minutes. You'll understand. I have a lot of drafts for this blog and usually the writing for them comes very easily. This one is no different.

As humans, we look at others and think "She wouldn't know, her life is perfect," "They wouldn't know, their family is perfect," "He wouldn't understand, his kids don't act this way." We are always in a constant state of comparison, and in reality, we DO NOT KNOW what goes on inside someone's head, heart, and home. I ask for your same thoughts here. Do not misconstrue my words, my family is absolutely amazing. We have our issues just like EVERY SINGLE FAMILY. There are five kids in my family. We all rebelled. We all lied. We all troubled our parents at one time or another. Guess what? My parents were the same when they were young. I come from an imperfect family, it's one of my favorite qualities about us. We are so imperfect. At any given time, one of the kids in my family was a wayward lamb. I've said it once and I'll say it again, never, ever, underestimate the power of praying parents. So, I come from a "normal" family. My parents are high school sweethearts, my mom was the cheerleader, my dad was the football player. My dad is a veteran, my mom works with kids, they both attend church, they are friends with the pastor and his wife, they volunteer, they are loving parents and grandparents, what experience could I possibly have with being "abandoned?"

One of the definitions from Webster states that abandon means to leave, and never return to, and that's the one I will use here. I was raised by, and love wholeheartedly, a man, the only man that will ever be called my dad, that is not biologically related to me. I am more similar to this man than I am to my own mother. Our personalities are the same. Our senses of humor are the same. We have the same favorite color. Our drive, determination, and hard-headed nature, is exactly the same. However, not a single drop of our blood contains any matching DNA. My dad legally adopted me when I was a child. I went from having my mother's maiden name, to officially taking his last name, and I remember what it was like when we were told that my biological father signed the papers and officially signed away his rights. I remember being crushed. I remember telling my mom's friend that I felt like a puppy at a humane shelter. One that was just dropped off and you didn't really care with who or where they ended up. I felt that as a child. I remember that feeling as a child and it is something that I have grown up with and it's something that I struggle with still. I have an incredibly present and loving father. Why do I still feel the heartbreak?

The truth is, I don't know. The problem I run into is the fact that my mom constantly tells me how much she loves me and how much I make her life better. I am not a parent, I don't know, however, my issue is, how can a biological parent sign over their child and not even blink their eye about the decision. You'd have to have me give up my nieces over my dead body because I'd never sign them over and they aren't even my own kids, they are my sister's kids.The one thing I have never done, is blame myself for why I was "given up" or why my biological father doesn't want to have a relationship with me. Not to sound conceited, but he's the one that's missing out. It's not just me, I have half-siblings (we share the same dad) and our biological father doesn't have a relationship with any of us. Last I spoke with him, his wife had a son that "adores" him. Good for him.

So, I learned to ride a bike, to tie my shoes and to read. I've graduated from high school, I played sports and was a great student. And who was present then? My mom. And a dad that wanted to be a dad. My mom and I have talked about her dating and all of that stuff and she told me a guy told her that he wasn't ready to be a father and my mom said, "that's good because I wasn't asking you to be that." When my parents rekindled their love (long story!), my dad not only wanted to be in a relationship with my mom, but he wanted to have a relationship with me. The man is not only the best thing to happen to my mom, he is the absolute best that could've come into my life and help raise me. I have thought a thousand thoughts of where I could've ended up, or who could've parented me and it's nothing short of a miracle, I have the most amazing parents.

So back to the beginning when I said that we have no idea what is truly going on with people, we only know what they choose to show us, and what they choose to tell us. I don't introduce myself and tell people that I was raised by a man that isn't my biological father. My dad is my dad. That's that. This is something my family doesn't broadcast, because we don't need to, what's the purpose? I still have the ache in my heart to meet my biological father, I don't know why, I feel like it's natural. I feel like it's only natural to want to see the other half of my biology. What if I got sick and it didn't run in my mother's side of the family? Would it come from my biological father? I have the right to know.

I'm thankful for my mother's clear head, she was young when she had me and she wouldn't settle for just anyone, for the sake of both of us. I also stated earlier, I was born and was given my mom's maiden name. I still love that decision. I applaud my mom because she is the one that had me, she is the one that raised me, cared for me, loves me, I deserved to share her last name. I have come in contact with single moms who constantly talk about how no one wants to date them solely based on the fact that they are single parents. It makes me laugh inside because I can't give you advice from your side of the fence, but I can give you advice from your child's side. I can't tell you what it's like to date the wrong guy, but I can tell you what it's like to be raised by the right one. I can't tell you what it's like to take the last name of the right person because they've proposed marriage to you, but I can tell you what it's like to take the last name of someone that loved me so much and saw me as so much of his own that he took it to court to have my last name changed to his. I hear it all the time, "you don't know, you don't have kids." You are correct. I don't. I can relate to your children. The search for your mate is also the search for someone that will play a significant role in the life of your child(ren). I'm thankful my mom was picky. I'm thankful my mom was choosy. I'm thankful my mom put me right up there with her when she wanted someone in our lives.

So there are sometimes when I do feel abandoned. I feel like my biological father wanted nothing to do with me. I feel that way because he's been absent from my life for over 30 years. As I get older, I realize that for every second that he has been absent, my father has been present. For every second he wanted nothing to do with me, my father wanted everything to do with me. My father has loved me for my entire life, deserves to be called my father and I adore him with everything that I am. I know my dad was handpicked to raise me, because my biological father wasn't up for the challenge.

In the times where my heart starts to hurt, I know where I can turn for my healing, and those are the arms of the people that truly love me, without abandon.