A Split Between Two... Oh Wait

This one is for both parents and children who have experienced separation/divorce. See, I myself come from what some would call a "broken home". My parents split when I was young, I won’t go into detail about how it went down, but I will talk about the effects it has on a child and how it rolls into their adult life based of my own experiences. Sometimes there are signs these things are going to happen, parents constantly fighting, not many happy moments shared together towards the end and a lot of wondering where the other parent is. Children know and are more aware than you may think. They repeat the things they think are normal behavior, they hide the things they know they maybe should not have heard, it’s inevitable we can’t shelter kids from everything even though sometimes we think we are. So, I’m going to list the four things that stuck with me and I feel is the most important to remember within a newly separated home.

Remember: They are always watching.

Kids see and hear just about everything and they will ask questions. It’s like they have this sixth sense that they know somethings up. They watch body language, listen to tone of voice, kids are like the little spies we didn't know about because their "just kids." Watching your parents fall out is one of the most traumatic and devastating things a child can experience. They don't know what that means, who they are going to stay with, most importantly they don't know why it happened. Make sure your honest with both yourself and your child and remind them it is not their fault. Nine times out of ten young kids may blame themselves more so because they are never in the know. I remember as a child my parents couldn't explain to me what exactly happened, but I could piece together the puzzle eventually remember "Little spies," but I went through a phase of blaming. There where countless numbers of “Why didn’t I” or “maybe I should’ve.” It took a minute to figure out it wasn’t my fault.

Their lives are changing also.

Parents sometimes forget that this separation isn't just happening to them, it’s happening to their child too. Be mindful that the time shared is going to be an adjustment. You may not think your kid has a social life, but don't forget when they ask to go to Julie or Joey's house on your weekend, before you say “no” for your own selfishness, remember they didn't choose this separation, you did. Compromise with either your partner or compromise with your child. Suggest one night rather than a whole weekend, it’s not the end of the world. In the long run it shows your child that you respect their needs and not just your own.

Holidays / Birthdays

For me this was the toughest and sometimes it still is. So, your kids don't have their parents in the same place at once. Holidays are not what they use to be. It might sounds like… Christmas here, Christmas Eve there, “I get her/him for Thanksgiving this year, you get her/him next,” “Happy Birthday,” “Let’s do two separate birthdays,” “Fine I get her/him all week, you get her/him for the morning of." It's a hassle. Unfortunately, not all separations result in happy co-parents where we can share the same days and spend the holidays like the old times. In this case sometimes we feel like property, like a toy being shared between siblings it’s exhausting. Unfortunately, you can’t always help it, it’s simply what needs to be done. Eventually your child will have a voice and that voice will want to make their own decisions about who they want to spend the holidays with. Don't get mad, don’t compete over who's gift is better, and don’t make your child feel any worse than they already feel for even making such a choice, it’s hard enough.

Introducing Them to Your New Significant Other

This one can go smooth or can go wrong. Now whether your separation was caused by infidelity or not it is still a bit sticky for the child. This person is new and unfamiliar. They are in some sense the forbidden territory. Your child has loyalty to both you and their other parent. They may not know how to feel, they may not want to meet them or may actually be excited but just take it a step at a time. Do not shove that person down your child’s throat it will leave a bitter taste, I promise. Allow a natural bond, your child is on the fence, they didn’t ask for another parent just remember that. Remember to keep the time you spend with your child strictly between the two of you. There is nothing like feeling like a third wheel and having to share the attention they already get deprived of unless they feel okay with it.

As an adult, somethings still may linger from time to time and may become pet peeves or simply things you constantly dread if things weren’t handled in the best ways.

Here are three things I could think of that become Important or just sticks over time:

1. Parents: Sometimes even though your parents may be good with each other and can co-exist in the same environment now, it still feels a little nerve wrecking here or there on occasion. See you have to remember if the fall out was bad in the beginning and took a while to get better your kid/s still might not like the idea of the two of you in the same room, but it’s okay because as much as we may cringe we also are happy that our parents can get along genuinely.
2. Holidays: Still having to decide who to see on the holidays is still a bit annoying especially if you don’t have a place of your own yet, or you’re in a relationship and have a whole new set of family to see. On the bright side you have loads of family, loads of food, and maybe even some gifts ;)
3. Trust/ loyalty: On a serious note trust and loyalty become very big in our lives. It’s important in the people we mingle with and the relationships we keep. We trusted our parents to stick by us and to be honest during our childhood. We figured out how to stay loyal to both parties and we expected the same in return by valuing our time and never hurting us anymore than it hurt already. We trusted that you wouldn’t leave us. So, yea it becomes big.

Okay well I hope this was helpful to someone out there. Thanks for reading.