A Sister Is Your First Friend & Second Mother

I love you.

How can I make that phrase bigger to accurately express the enormous meaning behind it? I say it often, and you say it back. But do you even realize how much I mean it?

There is so much I've wanted to say to you my entire life but I've never known where to even begin. So I'll start with I love you. Then follow it up with thank you.

Thank you.

Another phrase that doesn't even come close to what I mean. Thank you for loving me so unconditionally. Thank you for always supporting me and my most unusual ways. Thank you for being there for me, always, anytime. Thank you for giving up most of your adolescence to essentially raise me.

That last sentence. Thank you for giving up your life, your friends, your free time, to take care of us. I know how much you gave up. I didn't understand it at the time, but I do now and I can't thank you enough.

That's not to say that I don't love Mom. I love Mom with every part of my being and I know that she did the best she could, in her own way. But, it's you that I remember.

You're the one who taught me to tie my shoes. You're the one I sought comfort from, to bandage my wounds and hug me while I cried. You're the one who was there in the middle of the night when I had a bad dream and I couldn't sleep. You're the one who played music and danced around with me in the living room every day. You're the one who drove me around, who asked about my day, who checked up on my homework. You're the one who encouraged me to "dance to the beat of my own drum," to wear skirts over my pants and toe socks with flip-flops even though everyone else thought it was weird.

You.

You're the one who found me crying in the hallway the night that Mom caught Dad and she was yelling and throwing furniture. You walked me back to your room and put me to bed. You're the one who hid us in the basement when our uncle would come home drunk, screaming and terrifying us. You're the one who watched and distracted us while Mom went out with yet another man that week. You're the one who made me feel like I was more important than some man. You're the one who would hold me while Nanny screamed in our faces, calling us thieves and bad kids. You're the one who told her to f* off for making me cry. You're the one who offered me a getaway place after you moved out for when life at home just became too much.

You.

Maybe that's why I clung to my niece so hard from the moment she was born. She's always felt more like my baby sister than my niece. Maybe I've always wanted to be there for her and show her the kind of love you have always shown me. She's an extension of you so I expected to love her. But I loved her fiercely, immediately. I wanted to spend all of my time with her; I turned down invitations from kids at school if it was a weekend when she would be coming over. I didn't know I could love a tiny person that much. That also came from you. Maybe I hoped that my love for her would somehow repay you for the love you've had for me.

You understand me better than anyone, including my own husband. It's like you can see into my soul and understand every bit that's there. And love me more for it.

So I know that you gave up a lot. An entire childhood to be exact. I know that you had to stay home from days at the mall with your friends so that Mom could go on another date. I know that you had to cancel dates with your boyfriend to stay home with us while Mom worked overnight. I know that you had to be responsible every day for us and make sure that we ate, went to school and to doctor appointments because Mom was too tired from working all night to function during the day. I know how much you gave up to raise us kids, despite the fact that you were a kid yourself. Selfishly, but brutally, honestly, I'm glad. We had so much heartache and so many crappy circumstances that I don't think I would have come out of it half normal if I hadn't been raised by you. I am the person I am today because of you and I love that person.

You're amazing.

You're literally the strongest person I've ever known in my entire life. You've been shit on more times than I can count but you've come out of it, 100% on your own, every single time. I want the world for you. I wish I could give you that, an entire world. I wish I could show that beautiful daughter of yours all of the bad you have been able to overcome and all of the good that I have had because of you. I wish I could show her how strong and beautiful and amazing her mama is because I know when you're a teenage girl, it's hard to see those things.

I would think the world a dark, ugly, horrible place if it weren't for you.

Because of you, I hear music everywhere. I find beauty in the bizarre things. I remember that no matter how hard or awful things are in a single moment, it will get better eventually. And I know that even in my lowest moments, when I can't see anything good about my existence, that you would have a thousand reasons to disagree. You keep me going. I hope someday to make you so proud as I am so proud of you, in case I didn't make that clear.

You.

Thank you.

I love you.