A Pain You’ll Never Get Over

They always say you never get over loss and up until this year, I fully understood this. For years I watched people lose their mothers, fathers, grandmas, grandads, uncles, and aunts but I never thought that they’re children of someone and what it would be like to lose your own child.

I fell accidentally pregnant early this year and it sure was a surprise for me and my partner at the time, struggling to get our heads around the news wasn’t the easiest thing we’ve ever done. Not being in a secure relationship, I had to figure what was the most ideal decision for me and my life, I had one big decision ahead of me. Losing a child very early on before with the same partner made me think there’s something wrong with me and that this might be the only chance I have to have a baby, but it also might be the biggest mistake of my life. A lot of tears and kick-offs happened in our lives those few months but I decided I wanted to risk it all because I started feeling my child growing inside me and I felt a whole lot different with another human inside of me, my whole outlook on life had changed. I knew I had to find a secure job and get ready to face it. It was final, I was keeping my baby and that my was decision made up. My partner was heading away for a week and we agreed to discuss what would happen when the baby arrives when he had come back. Halfway into his holiday, I'd woken up in agonising pain and severe bleeding—not knowing what to do. Shouting for help, I rushed over to a friend's house where I rang an ambulance, then was taken to hospital with my friends by my side. I waited hours and hours, dreading the news what was going to be told to me. After blood tests, vaginal checks, and scans, I was finally told the news I was dreading. I lost my baby, four months gone.

The pain is nothing you ever get over, till this day I replay the morning I woke up in pain over and over again. It’s like some sort of numbness left inside your stomach. I ask myself all the time, did I deserve this? What did I do wrong? Am I made to be a mother? Will I ever get my chance?

I had no courage in me that day. I wasn’t able to even tell my child’s father for four days straight we had lost our baby—something which made us argue, cry, and breakdown. I didn’t have enough strength in me to tell him and when I eventually did, I think it broke us in ways we wouldn’t discuss with each other again. I can’t look him in the eye to this day without wanting to breakdown and feeling like it was all my fault we lost our second baby. The feeling is overbearing.

Since losing my precious baby, I lost contact with the father as we wanted different things and felt different ways towards the situation we had dealt with. That’ll never stop the love we felt for such a small life inside of me, it never gets easier and it never will. My due date is coming up on the 13th of December and it will be the hardest day along with the date I lost my baby, but I’ll always know that their brother or sister may I ever be blessed with a child will have their spirit inside of them and I pray this may happen one day.

You’re always in my heart angel baby, I miss you more and more each day. Love, mummy x