A Mother's Worst Fear

I have never spoken out publicly about the details that are in this writing. And not all of it will be here. If I see enough support I will feel more comfortable and do an add on. But, I have felt the need/want to because, I know I am not the only parent or mother that goes through this or has been through what I have.

In September 2015, I found out that I was expecting. Exciting time right? Well you can say it was sure enough a roller coaster. You see for several years I had go back and forth to doctors and specialists telling me test after test after test that I had less than a 5 percent chance of ever getting, much less actually carrying through. So to just as much shock to everyone else, I didn't believe it at first it took me a good hour or two before I believed them.

So anyways carrying forward. I called my son's father who I was still in a relationship with when I was in Florida helping my mother at the time; and he said right out to me so how are you going to do it? I said excuse me what do you mean? He says well you aren't going to keep it. I was in the ultimate shock! As if my child wasn't human, wasn't his own child; but as if it were a piece of furniture or something. I told him I was keeping my child.

Long story short, I went back to Virginia where he was and things were worse than I could have ever expected. Wanted me to fall down stairs, I was malnourished, was never taken to a doctor. I knew I had to get out of there one way or another. But, he didn't want me to. He knew what it meant if I did. So I had to get out like a thief in the night and my step mother drove from NY to VA on December 30 2015 after he left to go to a drunk parade for New Years.

NYS goes after him for support I have done nothing but, beg him to refuse rights to sign them away. I am scared to death for my son to have a relationship with him and he now wants to take him away. He wanted my child dead, denied my child, and tried to get me to injure my child. I don't trust him.

Everyday I feel like I have failed my son. He has no father and I have to keep it that way for his safety. But, it also means my child has to grow up and one day ask about his father and what happened. I feel I am failing at making sure he has the best life I can give him by being mommy and daddy, but I get so mentally and emotionally worn down sometimes I don't feel I do that.

I am not a perfect mother/parent; but, I know I did what was best for my child's well being. But, his father still by law has a right to see him. He has taken me to court and I now can't do anything about it. I'm fighting believe me I'm fighting to have it all taken away. But, that's where I failed. His father should have never had the right to begin with. I should have never spoke his name after leaving. But, I had to. I needed help and they wouldn't unless I released the father's name and information.

I am sorry this is more of a rant but, I know there are others parents scared and going through it too or have been through it. All of us need to stick together and remind one another you are not alone.