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I have a two-year-old. In October, she will be three—and so on each year she will get older. Recently I took "stress leave" from work. I am currently doing a career change (I guess I can call it that), with not as much luck as I'd hoped. My daughter goes to daycare three days a week: Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. I get four whole days with her and with not working at the moment I have plenty of time to do a lot of things with her.
I have a fear that I'm not doing enough for her e.g. playing with her, talking to her, going out with her or just being with her. When I think about it—actually think about it—it's crazy, because I spend lots of time with her. I'm not 100 percent sure if there are any other mothers that have the same fear but I'm sure there are a few out there that can relate. If not then... Oh lord, help me!
We, meaning my fiancé and I tell her we love her multiple times a day and give her loads of hugs and kisses (she is a very loving and lovable child). I try to engage her with educational books, songs, toys and even shows. Still I have this fear that its not enough and she doesn't love me. Where is this coming from? I can only ask myself.
My relationship with my mother wasn't great, she was entirely out of my life from age twelve and up until, I was pregnant with my daughter at age twenty-two. My fiancé convinced me to meet up with her and talk. I only have one good memory of my mother and I, and it seems more like a dream than an actual memory. I was probably around three-years-old in this memory. I am happy to report that all is well now and we are making good memories with my daughter and have a healthy relationship.
That is why I have this fear. Subconsciously, I want to be more than what my mother was for me when I was young. Also subconsciously, I don't want my daughter to have ill feelings towards me like I had towards my mother. Yes, I know my daughter is only two. These years are the foundation of her development and our relationship as mother and daughter, and I hope that I can make our foundation strong.
I can admit I am not even close to being mother of the year. Life gets in the way a lot though. Trying to find work, have a relationship with my fiance, plan a wedding, have friendships and still be me. I try, though, to still be mentally and physically there for her. I also try to monitor what I do when I am spending time with her (not being on my phone). Having this fear has made me strive to be a better mother for my daughter. As she grows, I know that I won't get over this fear just yet, it will stay with me for many more years.
All in all I learnt through self exploration and understanding where this fear comes from. That this is a fear I don't want to overcome just yet. I want to keep striving to be a better mother through every stage of my daughter's life and I want her to trust that I'm doing my best. Some fears are good and make you realize things you would have never known about yourself. Take the time to explore your mind and you might find some interesting things you never knew about yourself.