Have you ever wondered to yourself as a parent if you are making the right choices for your child? Have you ever felt like all is currently lost and you find yourself searching for that solution called "Hope" in your darkness? I regret to inform you all that I am one of those people. I had second thoughts about even typing this article but I am doing so in hopes that someone else out there will realize they are not alone. I am a mother to a wonderful four-year-old daughter and she is my absolute world. I live every day for her because sadly, if not for her, I may have not even have been here to be telling this story. She was my salvation to change my life around when I was in very dire need for a miracle. So, in a way, she is my hero. Her being only four, she does not quite grasp the severity of the emotion I feel every day. However, even the greatest of people have their breaking points and I hate to admit that this is mine. Do not take me as some mental tragedy though. I am conflicted emotionally about even typing this because I see myself as a strong individual and everyone will say I am not one to just give up easily. I am always the one the keeps everyone in high spirits and tells them there is always another way. Ironic that now the savior of others needs saving from herself. Being a mom day in and day out is a difficult job in itself, and now I have to worry about not only my mental and emotional state but my child's as well. I do this to hopefully gain some peace for getting everything off my chest but to also seek some guidance. I would go to the moon and back for my child, she need only to ask.
My daughter's father and I have never really been on good terms. He was physically and mentally abusive to me, but despite the fact he treated me that way, he was and is an amazing father to her. I could never deny that fact. I finally gathered enough courage to leave him after my daughter's first birthday and I haven't looked back since. We co-parent together just fine. The issue I am having is a little more delicate than that. I fell in love and was in a relationship after her father and the relationship lasted three years. She had grown to love him so much she called him daddy, which to me was very touching. She needed no encouragement to do so either. It was all on her own. He became her knight in shining armor, there were even times she wanted just his attention instead of mine. All good things come to an end I'm afraid. My relationship fell apart, as all troubled relationships do sometimes and I had to leave. Which turned her entire world upside down. I took my child once again out of her comfort zone and made her feel very upset. Now she is acting out at school and having bouts of anxiety. Me and her actual father have had to go up to school for meetings about her behavior. I, myself, struggle with my own mental demons, depression, and anxiety, but to know that my four-year-old is going through the same thing is heartbreaking to me. She doesn't even fully understand what to feel or how to express herself. She lashes out and screams and cries sometimes for no reason at all. It could be the simplest thing I ask of her and it's like her world has come crashing down all in the same instance. She asks me all the time "Why can't we go back to our other house, mommy? Is daddy mad at you? Are you mad at daddy? I want to go home please." I have tried to explain the situation to her as best as a mother could to a small toddler. It's becoming very hard to stay positive at this point because I'm slowly starting to feel that dark cloud of negativity creeping up on me. It's hard for me, a person who already suffers from anxiety and depression, to keep another young soul from suffering the same fate. I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 16 years old. I know how it feels to be a child and not know how to deal with your emotions. I do not want my daughter to resent me the same way that I resent my parents. Maybe I will be able to find a solution in the up and coming weeks. God knows I'm willing to try anything for my heart. I'm fighting through my own depression while also having to fight hers. But I still look to her as my light in the darkness, because in the end, she is all I really have. Hopefully, my next story will be how I overcame the impossible and made it so both of our lives are changing for the better. Until then.