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A Little Closure

Advice From a Young Elder

By Hope MartinPublished 7 years ago 6 min read
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I think it's reasonable to guess that almost everyone in the world has experienced a situation in which they have received no closure. Whether it be an incident, a relationship, an experience, an addiction or lifestyle, I believe we all have dealt with something that moved us deeply and created a wound which refuses to close. In fact, I think it's safe to say the majority of people have experienced several things in their life in which closure seems out of reach.

The worst thing about not having closure is humans have a habit of being lured into a false sense of security after so long. The wound on our hearts involving whatever situation we experienced scabs over and we think: "Okay. I'm over it. I'm healed. It doesn't hurt or bother me anymore. I don't care about it." And we truly think that this is the case until something happens to cause the scab to tear and allow the pus from the festering wound to seep out in the open and assault our senses with the stench of infection. Do keep in mind I'm saying this figuratively.

I guess one good example is the situation I am currently in. My biological father was never there for me as a child, or my early adulthood. I suppose at the ripe age of 26, I am still currently still in young adulthood. As a child, I wanted his attention. As a teenager, I was hurt and angry. As an adult, I didn't think I cared any more—as I have a few very strong and solid male role models in my life to lead and guide me. On my wedding day, I didn't think about my biological father at all. The day I left my husband, all I wanted was the authoritative father figures I currently have. I thought: "I'm okay. I turned out fine. I don't hate him anymore, I don't want him around and I certainly do not care what happens."

But as I mentioned, sometimes things happen that rip open that scab and make you face the infection of animosity (or pain or anger or whatever it is that the situation you are faced with) from whatever it is in which you have no closure. And it's always a shocker. It rocks you back on your heels as if you were hit by a sudden force of pressure, and sometimes it could take days to actually sink in.

I was informed that my biological father is basically... dying, to put it bluntly. When I was first informed I felt nothing. But as I thought about it, I realized I was on a time limit now to actually be okay with the situation. Was I okay with letting him die without telling him how much he's hurt me?

Am I okay with him not recognizing me as a person that he helped create and bring into this world? And that I turned out to be pretty influential even though I keep my circles tight and very small?

I came to the conclusion that perhaps I was not as healed as I have thought. I reached out to him... I guess even this blog post is a way of reaching out to him. Because I wanted him to know that I turned out fine without him. Because that is my closure. I wanted him to know that he hurt me. But I grew up fine in spite of it. I wanted to tell him I love him, I hate him, and I do not think that when he dies the tears I will cry will be out of sadness, but of regret. Regret of never really knowing him, and never being loved by him. But I will be fine. And so I reached out to him and I did speak to him finally.There was no reconciliation; in fact, I was more forceful than I meant to be. But I am okay with that, as I have always been. But I do feel more at peace with the situation—I told him how I felt, and I got it off of my chest. And now, I really don't feel any more animosity when I think about him. Just an ache of regret and curiosity of what life would have been like if he'd been around.

I have father figures who are proud of me, who I strive to make proud of me. And I am okay with that. I've come to terms with them and they love me and see me for me. And I love them. And really—that's all I need to be happy with what I have. I have family. Blood or not.

Perhaps it is not the nicest closure to receive, to tell a dying man that he wasn't needed after all, and that he hurt people in his life. I'm sure as he's dying, every regret is coming to him in loads. Perhaps I am one of them in some way, shape or form. I only fear the regret of me is one of his biggest issues—but I will not let that bother me. But that is his bane, and he has to find closure about it all for himself. That's no longer my issue. And that's the beautiful part about closure—once you have yours, those wounds, though still there—are less infected by the toxicity of neglect.

It was all it's hard to say—especially since as a shaman I am to understand the neutral side of his own feelings and fears. As a daughter though, I will not spend the rest of my life hating a dead man for what he never tried to do and for what he never did. I will tell him how I feel, so that when he finally journeys into the afterlife, I do not keep him tethered by a chain of animosity, but rather one of neutral acknowledgment that he once existed and somewhere his spirit will continue to exist. That way I can proudly continue to say that I am a shaman, and I have strived and continue to conquer my own physical and emotional faults—so that I can continue to help people without being a hypocrite.

Because the only way to cure a wound like this is to get closure. And I strongly urge those who have something that keep them in the past, or keep them from moving forward and onto new and brighter things is to do just this: Seek closure. Let your words leak from the heart, and come rushing forth without hesitation. Because that is the only way you will get closure—and even if the situation does not go as you hope—at the end of the day you will still have closure.

The peace that comes with closure is a heavenly feeling, and it leaves the taste of progress lingering in your mouth. Usually closure comes with a price, and the action to gain that closure feels like one of the hardest things you will have to do. And perhaps, like in my situation, the realization that you even need closure can be shocking and hard to come to terms with. But once it is done... it is completely done.

So go forth, and get your closure. You deserve it. Everyone does.

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About the Creator

Hope Martin

I am a published author of a book called Memoirs of the In-Between. I am doing a rewrite of it, as it needed some polishing. I am a mom, a cook, a homesteader, and a second-generation shaman.

Find me on Medium also!

@kaseyhopemartin

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