A Letter to the Woman Who Broke Me.

This is raw truth, with some language. Proceed with caution.

Stranded, abandoned, confused, hurt, unloved, those are just a few of the emotions you have left me with. It’s been almost 3 years and although I have forgiven you for your actions, or so I thought, the pain continually cuts deeper into my skin with every breath I breathe. You destroyed me mentally and emotionally to the point where I can’t even feel emotions anymore. To the point where I am literally completely numb to feeling anything or having real true emotions towards anyone or anything. There are, however, two new people who I’ve managed to trust and that’s because these 2 people consistently show me and prove to me that they care about me, which is something you haven’t been able to follow through with. It’s different and weird and it’s as if I’m just waiting for that to backfire because of my lack of trust.

Why did you leave me the way you did? I know why you left I’m not stunned, I lived there too. But the way you left is inexcusable. Why did you choose to be so selfish and inconsiderate that you just pushed your kids away and didn’t even bother with them? Why did you brainwash and manipulate us so much into believing our birth dad was a monster when it was you the whole time? Have you ever been honest in your life? Do you even know what honesty and love are? It seems as if it is a foreign concept to you. You made excuses all our lives that it was how you were raised when even your mother says you’re lying. You have left me with a void that goes deep into the pits of hell and even though we were never close I didn’t think it would affect me as much as it does. For whatever reason it affects me more than I want it to because having you gone is like a weight has been lifted but it’s added a boatload of confusing emotions and hurt so utterly deep I can’t seem to escape. It's as if it’s more of the craving for that motherly figure and attention. Yes I do have other mother figures and yes they’re great but it would mean more if it were my own mother; at this point I don’t think I could ever allow you back into my life as a mother. There is a song called "Paralyzed" by NF who is a Christian Rap artist, and that song so vividly and explicitly explains how I am currently feeling and has been my theme song for months.

Because of you I am petrified to be with anyone, because of you I don’t trust anyone and always wonder if they actually care or if they are just saving face the same way you did, my own mother. The one person that isn’t supposed to leave you feeling empty and broken left me with that feeling and more. Because of you, I feel like a burden to everyone I come in contact with and feel like they are constantly judging and lying to me. Because of you, I question people's morals and their relationship with me. Because of you, I can no longer love like I used to and I can’t get into another relationship romantically. Because of you, a relationship that was great for me had ended because I became such a hard-hearted bitch and kept pushing him away. Because of you I have been seeing 2 psychologists, 1 psychiatrist, and have gone through 3 different antidepressants and antianxiety medication. I’ve never been the type to blame my problems on someone else, but the reality is, if things would have been done differently or if you had never left; I wouldn’t be feeling like this and I wouldn’t have thought of ways to kill myself and I never would have hoped I’d get killed in a car accident.

There is however 2 blessings that have come out of you abandoning me. I have a step mom who I never have to question where her heart is and if she actually cares. I wouldn’t have someone to lean on when I need it nor would I have someone I can try and build a relationship with and I wouldn’t be living the way I am now. The second blessing is I have a person in my life who has been a big support and is the first new friend I’ve actually been able to trust since you left me with no trust. Someone who is actually rooting for me and helping me along this journey and from what I can tell, doesn’t judge me or "save face." By you leaving you have taught me more in those past 3 years than you have ever taught me in my 20 years of life. You have taught me how to be stronger in the weakest times, you have taught me how to be NOTHING like you. All we have in common is our looks which is just as unfortunate, however, I have become more of a woman than you have ever been or ever will be. You’ve taught me how to not treat people, you’ve showed me what it feels like to have someone lie, manipulate, and brainwash you. Knowing all of those feelings and what it has done to me in more ways than one aspires me to be nothing like you and makes me want to be a much better human being than you are.

When you first left, when I read the messages you sent to my dad, I instantly broke. I didn’t know what was going to happen next or what was going to happen to me, my life, or my relationship. See, you never fucking thought that by your actions you could have easily been coming back to bury me, or maybe you wouldn’t have even come back at all because you can’t be mature enough to put things aside. Isn’t that what you said when I mentioned about you coming to graduation? In fact, let me refresh your memory you said "I don’t know if I can do that because they’ll be at the stage wanting to give you a hug too." How the hell is that supposed to make me feel? How about when I called you to tell you I go accepted into school and you said, "Good for you, now what about the divorce papers?" How goddamn selfish can you be? The one day I actually make an effort to reach out and tell you something I was shocked about and you have to bring that up? How about every damn time we talked after that it was ALWAYS about YOU! You never cared about me or how I felt, you just cared that you were doing great and living the dream. Even your mother accused me of lying and told me I wasn’t actually feeling what I was feeling. The one thing I will grant you is that when I did see you and tell you everything to your face, you believed me. You saw the hurt and brokenness, and for once I think you may have felt some guilt, and for that, I don’t feel sorry for. I don’t feel sorry for allowing you to see me at my weakest state and seeing how much damage you have done.

When I saw you for the first time in 2 years, I had so much anxiety my heart rate jumped to 180 because I had so much anger, hurt, betrayal, sadness, brokenness, and many more emotions flowing through my body that I don’t even know how to explain. I expressed to you numerous times through text messaging that I can’t even look at you the same and that I wouldn’t be able to hug you or look you in the face. Yet, you still said, "That’ll change when you see me"... reality check, it didn’t change. I didn’t want to hug you, I didn’t want to look at you, I didn’t even want to talk to you. But in order for ME to start the healing process, I had to face you. In order for me to start trying to gain control of my life again, I had to do all of those I was not ready to do and did not want to do. Currently, I’m having issues getting back to feeling happy again and remembering when I was the happiest. I don’t even know what happiness looks or feels like anymore. I’ve been trying to get back into church and I literally just can’t connect emotionally. To build a relationship with God or with anyone else, it’s like that ability has become foreign and unheard of for me. I know I can’t let this hover over me forever but in my mind, if I allow myself to become vulnerable and open, I know it will backfire. My mind, body, and heart are so guarded it’s ridiculous. There is a wall up towards many things that I cannot break down. I can’t get into church because I just can’t feel anything I can’t connect, I can’t have an encounter. I’ve tried forcing myself to worship, read, pray and I just feel stupid and hypocritical. Every time I let my guard down it comes back and backfires. I’m so set in stupid ways that I can’t manage to get out of. I have such a hard heart towards many things and it’s annoying as hell because it reminds me of you so much and I’m trying to be a much better person than you.