A Letter to New Moms

Where was my time? What had I been doing all day? I thought this as I sat on the couch slumped in a heap. I reminisced on my day with a groggy mind. Diapers, diapers, diapers, feedings, feedings, feedings, laundry, laundry, and more laundry. I wanted to do so much more than just those things today. I was motivated to get dressed in an effort to not stay in the house all day.

Before baby, I applied my makeup everyday and enjoyed it. Now, getting dressed and painting my face were more of an inconvenience and luxury that I could not afford. How do other parents do this? I wanted to feel good. I wanted to feel pretty and do the mom thing all at once.

I started to feel bad about myself. I didn’t realize that what I was picturing was not the norm but a handful of women who made it work.

People are all wired differently and some seem just “made for parenthood.” All humans are not alike, we carry our “loads” differently. My husband and I had little guidance outside of google and webMD. My mother works on call and lives an hour and a half away. His family lives in a completely different state and we couldn’t expect them to babysit on the weekends. My little sister lived close but she works a full time job and has her own life. If we just needed a break the chances of that happening were slim. Help! I mentally sobbed. I need help. It was exhausting trying to sleep train and feed on a schedule not knowing if all this effort was going to work.

I unloaded on myself. Why can’t you do this?! You are WOMAN! You were made for this! I really believed that I should have been able to at least look like I had it together. I imagined my hair done and perfect makeup in my perfectly seasonal outfit, strolling the grocery isles with my perfect napping baby in tow. As a new parent, I was so stuck on this utopian view that I desperately wanted it to come true, that I almost lost myself when it didn’t happen. One day, this perception changed.

A close friend of mine and I were talking about life with children among a variety of things. She, who had no children, let this slippery, dripping with disdain remark slip out from her lips:

“Well, you don’t try anymore. You leave the house and you don’t care what people think.”

How thoughtless, how carelessly she had spoken.

After all, I was trying. I did care what others thought. I was doing the best that I could. Here I was really giving life with children my best effort and thinking I was finally going to breakthrough and everything would magically fall into place.

Then, I realized something. Her view was distorted just as much as mine. She too had a view that included how I should look and dress and smile as if everything was perfect. She was thinking exactly as I was and I realized that I couldn’t think like that anymore. I couldn’t compare myself to these television moms or even the real life moms who were some how managing to have a full face of makeup and look put together also while gripping on to three children.

I had put “her” on a pedestal. I wanted to be her but I couldn’t. I just didn’t operate that way. As a new mom, I felt pressure to be “her.” But, also as a new mom, I had to recognize my limits and potential. I guess I had to grow up and realize that my life would never be the same and that was ok. Know your limits and don't push yourself over the edge trying to be something that is made up by society. Do not succumb to the pressures to look like you have it all together. If you look like a mess on the outside but you actually have got it together, wouldn’t that satisfy you so much more that just looking like it? Put on your sweatpants and get to business. Make that schedule and follow it. Multi-task when you can and don’t when you can’t handle it. When your children are taken care of, you will feel better than you ever have.

For us, our sleep training paid off and we have a child who has been sleeping through the night since 12 weeks. We found that once we were able to get a good nights sleep knowing that our baby would too, it wasn’t so hard. It was mostly the temporary insanity that comes with sleep deprivation. You can do this and you can do it even better when your focus is on the right thing. No, nothing will be perfect anymore but, it will be perfect to you and that’s all that matters.