A Letter to My Creations

My first real love, my precious little baby girl, I was so scared when I first found out you was growing inside my body. I was in real disbelief. I was mad, sad, and happy all at the same time. Why?! Well, firstly I was young and had a different life plan. But I guess that's why they say it's not always good to plan, cause sometimes plans don't go as planned. In short "SHIT HAPPENS."

The strange journey I walked with you was not an easy one. I lost my appetite, I lost so much weight, I couldn't stand the smell of your dad and I didn't like anybody's company. As I was coming to the end of my first trimester the doctors had concerns. I was scared of the news they would deliver to me about this innocent human developing inside me. But they didn't worry me to much straight away, they just instructed me to have more doctor's appointments and hospital appointments. But it was all new to me—I knew nothing.

They finally told me what was the problem with my baby (you) your waist was to small they said that was two weeks after my first knowledge of anything being wrong and daily hospital visits and scans. But that wasn't the correct information. Two weeks later on my hospital visit they then let me know that the doctor that checked me that day was a trainee doctor and she had given me incorrect information. It was not in fact your waist but your head was not growing as it should have been.

I was so mad, as I just couldn't understand how you could get a head and a waist mixed up. I left the hospital and went to my mums to off load my anger (verbally) and she advised me to change my hospital. So that day I spoke with a midwife who started the ball rolling. But little did I know I was running out of time and fast... It took three weeks for the change over of medical care from one hospital to another. By the time I was changed over to Withington the first two days I had another scan to which it was confirmed—my baby was not doing so well with GROWTH. Your head was way to small for how far along I was in my pregnancy. From that point I was then classed as high risk... boy was I confused.

The following week I fell sick, well that's what I thought as I had months left to go... three and a half months.

I was at your good mothers house and I felt like SHIT... I was so cold no matter how much they all tried to keep me warm, I was vomiting black bile and my whole body ached from head to toe. From Friday afternoon I was sure it was just fever. Saturday came and went and I was not getting any better but it had only been a day. Sunday came and nobody could take it anymore. They wanted to call a cab, ambulance, midwife, my mum and drop me.

I got frustrated and just walked out the house and walked. I didn't know where I was going I just needed to get away from everyone telling me to go to the hospital. While I was just walking pain riddled my whole body—I dont know how I managed to keep going. By the time I noticed I was at the hospital..

To be continued......