A Humorous Look at What No One Really Talks About During Pregnancy!

When I talk to other women about their pregnancy days I often hear how precious and wonderful they were.

Seriously?

I wish I knew how to glamorize those barf filled days of morning sickness, the painful nipples, emotional mood swings and the hours of labor pains!

I have to say that my memories are as vivid today as they were many years ago. Okay, not everyone experienced my special moments of those early days before motherhood but I am here to tell you the real truth about what actually happens in those nine months for some of us.

I knew instantly when my size 36 A (if I pulled the straps really tight) boobs turned into 38 C’s in three weeks! I could actually crack walnuts and open a beer with my cleavage! This was incredible and I made damn good use of my new talent (My husband had fun playing motor boat with them too!).

I took advantage of my free boob job and tight t-shirts became my wardrobe staple until my tummy started to take over in the latest body bump department. This is when I had to wear the large sweatshirts that said, “No I have not eaten my way through the Oreo cookie factory, there is a baby on board!”

At the four month mark of my pregnancy, I ended up moving to Texas from Vancouver, Canada for my husband’s job. I was on a leave from my flight attendant career so we decided to venture out on this new path for one year.

We knew no one in Dallas and I spent most days alone in our apartment trying to keep my food down, watching The Price is Right and fighting off the crickets that seemed to come in through the chimney! There are some big ass bugs down in Texas!

As a very social woman, it was such a big transition for me that I tried to have conversations with anyone who called the wrong number, the produce guy at Safeway and our poor mailman that obviously felt sorry for me.

I even befriended a guy at our communal pool area that had just got out of jail for armed robbery! Sadly I’m not kidding, but I can tell you I wasn’t bored on those afternoons!

After the barfing ceased, I got back into my gym routine.

Most people had no idea I was pregnant but one guy did mention that I seemed to work out so hard but kept getting bigger and maybe I should change my diet. Yup, that’s what he said. It was really funny when I came back to the gym after I gave birth and he said, “Wow that diet really worked, you’ve lost a lot of weight!” I just smiled.

I went to Lamaze class every Thursday and learned all sorts of things to be aware of during delivery:

1. It’s not scary at all to learn that I could have my “Who Ha” sliced and stitched.
2. A forceps delivery!
3. An upside down baby (instead of sunny side up).
4. An epidural with a foot long needle!
5. An emergency C section.
6. A poop accident on the delivery table!
7. An enema in front of the entire hospital staff.
8. A very long labor.
9. A transitional phase that turns women into Linda Blair from The Exorcist movie!

Dr. Pickle, yes that was my doctor’s name, said not to worry and that everything looked fine (Looking back now, I understand why I really did crave dill pickles for those nine months that I saw him!). I swear if they showed those Lamaze videos before women got pregnant the population wouldn’t be anywhere near as high in the world today. Just saying!

So guess what?

All those things I mentioned above pretty much happened to me on delivery day with the exception of the C-section (They did talk about it though!).

Oh, and the poop part didn't happen either because when the doctor asked me if I had eaten anything before I got to the hospital, I had to own up that I had eaten an entire loaf of bread to try to calm down my stomach labor pains (You know; the whole comfort food kind of thing.).

Nothing like having an enema with ten interns looking on! It reminded me of the scene in the movie Dumb and Dumber when Jeff Daniels was given a laxative by Jim Carrey!

I did end up doing the Linda Blair thing on my husband when he decided to put his feet up and take an hour nap while I was doing that breathing thing that didn’t work!

28 hours later after I got to the hospital, I ended up having the epidural due to the pain and very long labor, and let me tell you, they were not kidding in Lamaze class when they said it was a foot long needle!

Nine hours later (yes count 'em nine more hours), I delivered an upside down baby boy with the help of forceps after my “Who Ha” was cut and my not so funny husband telling the doctor to put a few extra stitches in there (Which I am pretty sure he had never heard before!).

Our baby was healthy and we were all amazed he didn’t have a cone head trying to get out of my love canal for 37 hours. He was pretty cute actually!

We moved back home to Vancouver a few months later and I resumed my job at the airline. Due to a lot of work issues and financial problems, my husband and I divorced when my son was 18 months old and I became a single mom until he moved out at the age of 19.

There are many stories in those years that I could tell you about, like the one about my son growing marijuana in his toy box for two years and how I met the neighbors due to a party he had due to all the barf dripping down their windows.

Yes, it will become my next book one day I’m sure and I will probably title it something like “Teenagers are shitheads!”

Today my son is an executive chef at a hotel in Vancouver and doing very well. We are super close and always have been with the exception of ages 15 to 19 Lol. He is my sun, moon, and universe.

I remarried nine years ago to an amazing man, I quit my job as a flight attendant, started a relationship/lifestyle talk show, published a book, became a certified dating/relationship coach and an advice columnist/blogger! I love the second part of my life!

Ohhhh and to top it all off, my boobs are back to an almost perky 36A and my “Who Ha” is just fine thanks to Dr. Pickle.

All this bitching aside would I do it all over again?

You bet I would!

Pregnancy and motherhood is not easy but it is the best gift life has to offer. Although, I now understand why God gave women the Uterus because I don’t know any man that could get through one menstrual cycle let alone nine months of pregnancy.

We really are one strong group of amazing women and our children better kiss our drooping ass for the rest of our lives. They owe us big time!

Moms rule and always will! <3

Sybersue.com

The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

The Joys Of Pregnancy or Maybe Not