A Grieving Sister’s Heartache

The day of the accident..

This is for you Dylan..

The sun is shining, the skies are blue. But all I ask god, is why it had to be you. This day will be the hardest ever. Knowing that you're gone forever. Not from my heart, but from my sight. How can my life ever feel right?

You are my best friend. My baby brother. My rock. I'm so empty. So lost. My chest is heavy, I can't breathe. Your wings were ready, but my heart never will be. It's the kind of heartache you can feel in your bones.

Nobody knows how much I've actually cried.

I have to stay strong though. Hold my head high. But today I promise you I cannot keep dry eyes. Maybe one day, but not this one. I'll be okay, sometime in the long run.

You have always been so full of life. Always ready to put on a show and make everyone laugh. You would turn any and every boring moment into a memory worth telling. There was never a dull time. Nor a safe one around you. Your daredevil ways, and adventurous soul. I'm so happy I was blessed to spend your entire life watching you grow. The man you have become, is something to tell. Something to talk about for years to come.

Twenty-one is far too young.

You have some big shoes to fill, but I promise you I'll make you proud. I don't want to live in fear, I want to see life the way you always have. I want to leave my footprints in this world just like you.

This isn't a goodbye, you're always here, and I will see you again.

But for now;

When you get a chance to look down on me, I hope you know I'm missing you.

I love you so fucking much bud.

Watch over all of us. ❤️

One month..

I’m still numb. It takes every little piece of me to get out of bed in the morning. Is it true? Are you really gone forever? My chest is heavy, I can’t breathe. Could it really be? Why you, why not me? You’re so full of life, so young. A whole world ahead of you. How could god take you, but leave the ones who don’t belong here. Everyone tells me, he only takes the good ones cause he needs an angel. But what about us? What about me? We need you. I need you. I feel sick. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. You’re my best friend, my little brother. What is this world? I can’t live without you. It doesn’t feel right. I miss you more than words will ever express.

Two months.. His birthday..

Two months of people coming up to me asking me how I'm doing when I don't know. Asking if I'm okay, but I'm not. Two months of people ignoring my existence because they don't know what to say to me. Two months convincing myself this is not my reality and trying to convince myself that I'm going to see you again soon. Two months of me not realizing what's going on around me because I'm constantly in a zone with millions of memories. Two months since I've heard your voice or seen your face. Two months since my world came crashing down.

But today. Today it's been 22 years. 22 years I've had the best brother and best friend a girl could ever ask for. 22 years I've had the best MMA match up when I was angry, and the best listener when I was hurting. 22 years that I spent watching you grow and become the incredible man you turned into.

22 years ago, before I knew where babies came from, I told mom to put you back. I wanted a little sister. But honestly, I couldn't of been more happier to have a baby brother. Someone to watch out for me as I got older, someone to teach me to be tough and help me fight my battles.

Even though you are younger than us, you always told Aysia and I we weren't allowed to date anyone unless you approved. You also would say "Do you know what it's like to grow up with two decent looking sisters?!" because all your friends would try to hit on us. But you protected us. You watched out for us. And now, you will continue to watch out for us, but it's different this way. It's been so hard to get out of bed everyday. So hard to continue our lives and not just curl up and cry like I want to. It'll always be hard. But I know you're helping us get through this, you always will. We miss you more than anything in the world.

Happy birthday beautiful angel.

I love you so much bud. ❤️

Three months..

Summer is half way over now, I don’t remember much. It’s been a blur these last few months. It’s like my life has been put on autopilot. I don’t know what I’m doing, why I’m doing it. I don’t remember my days. I fall asleep at night only because the rest of me is so exhausted I can barely hold myself up. Depression has sunk in. I’m at my lowest point I have ever been. I though losing my best friend at 15 was hard. But losing my best friend who is also my little brother is the hardest. I’m still in denial. I don’t know if I’ll ever get out of this stage. How can I accept something I don’t believe? I wish you were here, I need you the most. I need to talk to you. I need to know you’re okay..

And just like that, you came to visit me in my sleep. You said you missed us all and wished you didn't have to go when you did. You told me to go kayaking again, you said I would love it and that I'd have a lot of fun. You told me not to be afraid because you will always be right there with me.

Something meaningful..

This might sound absolutely stupid to most people, but the ones who know what I'm going through will completely understand.

The value some items, small or large, may hold for someone is deep, personal, sentimental.

This morning I had someone force me to take off a band I've had on for 3 months now. It is in military regulation so I know I am allowed to have it on, so I said it doesn't come off. Which it didn't unless I were to bend it out of shape. When she pulled that off my wrist, I lost it. I cried so fucking much. She obviously didn't understand why. So she started questioning me. I wanted to leave it at a simple, I lost my baby brother 3 months ago and that's for him. But no, she continued to ask; how, when, where. Questioned how close we were: he's my best friend. Then continued to tell me I should see a counselor which not only made me more upset but made me extremely angry because she insinuated that something is wrong with me for not being able to handle things properly.

But please tell me, how the Fuck does one handle something like this properly without time to heal? 3 months isn't time. It feels like it's been forever. But it isn't time to heal when I'm still in disbelief that he's gone. When a part of me tries so hard everyday to believe he's still here.

Being around so many people who don't understand the slightest bit has been killing me, I'm constantly holding back tears. Like an emotional time bomb ready to be set, and having to remove something that means the world to me set me off. That isn't just a band to me, that's a part of my brother.

Four months..

Remember that job I hated so much? The factory job I couldn’t stand? I quit today. After almost five years, I was finally able to walk away. I couldn’t handle it there anymore. Ever since you left, they treated me different. They either ignored my existence or they would get weird around me. I didn’t need that anymore. You’d be proud. I’m back in school, it’s because of you though. You’re the reason I’m almost finished. I’m so lost without you, but I have to power through. I know that’s what you’d want. I have my hard days, I have some okay ones too. I don’t know when I’ll have great days again. But one day. I tear up every time I think of you. My heart hurts. There’s this empty hole in there. It’ll never be filled. I hope to someday catch up with you, talk about the things I’ve done. I wanna travel. See the world. I want to do everything you were cut short of. I miss you so much.

My birthday..

Today was hard. Harder than I expected. Most people get excited about their birthday. But today, that wasn’t me. Today I just wanted to hide from the world. But I couldn’t. I started crying on a few different occasions. One being the fact that for the first time in years I didn’t receive that phone call, the one where you would say; “I’m not calling to wish you a happy birthday because you’re the middle child and you don’t count.” It never failed to make me laugh.

But after a long hard day, My brother never ceases to amaze me. I know this was definitely my birthday gift from him, when I won three six packs of beer on my first three shakes from shake of the day! He was saying "drink up, don't be a pussy!"

Five months..

Today, while on the salon floor I was doing a color for this fun 73-year-old lady. She was the sweetest thing ever. But she had a little pain in her eyes and as she got to talking, I found out why. 59 years ago yesterday to the date, she lost her big brother in a freak accident at the young age of 18. She talked about how he was her best friend. How he taught her so much. She said as the days, the months, and even years go by it gets easier. Not much but a little.

This hit me hard. I had to tell her about my brother. I had to ask how she handled it because it’s been 5 months for me and I’m still in denial.

She gave me a sense of peace talking to me about how she handled it, how she still handles it. At the end of her service as I was bringing her up front to check out she says, “may I hug you?” I said of course. And during that hug she told me, “It never goes away, you will never forget, but just know it’ll get easier, I promise. You will find out that he will always be with you. He will protect you, live your life to the fullest for him. You’re stronger than I was, you will make him proud.”

It took everything inside me to not lose it right there and cry my eyes out. I will forever remember this beautiful lady and her kind words. ❤️

It’s been six months now...

Today marks six months. Six whole months since I’ve seen your face, since I’ve heard your voice. I find it so confusing how grief can make time fly by, yet stand still forever. It’s just never going to get any easier is it? It’s never going to go away, this missing you. It’s going to become sadness I incorporate into myself and quietly carry around with me forever. I’m still in denial, how can I accept you’re gone forever? People keep telling me that life goes on but, to me, that’s the saddest part. I’ll miss you forever. ❤️