A Future of Forgiveness

I was reading a book today and something incredible happened: a line clicked for me that may just be a game changer. You see, I've been living life as if I do not need a boyfriend or husband, uninterested in the tradition that is marriage. A guesstimated seventy percent of that decision is because of brokenness that I still have from my parents' divorce. A divorce that happened long ago. A divorce that I thought I had moved on from and in light of recent events, realized that I was still dealing with. A divorce that deserves a different story than the one I am here to tell today.

In light of these events and people helping me realize a conclusion was made that done right, a husband and family don't sound like such a bad thing. In fact, I believe we were made to join in marriage. I turned to Ben Stuart's book Single, Dating, Engaged, Married: Navigating Life and Love in the Modern Age, in which he walks through all stages of relationships and how to use those stages in life well and as a gift. In leading into the second section of the book, dating, he begins to list the things that one should do when single but looking forward to dating, and one of them is forgiveness. You might be thinking that it sounds cliché, to forgive and forget, but what he said opened my eyes. I control how the divorce of my parents affects my potential future relationships. I no longer have to feel like their decision will be my future.

Without further ado, the passage went like this, "Many of you will get married in the years ahead. I promise you it will only help the future health of your marriage you go through whatever journey you must now to forgive those who have hurt you in your past. If you refuse to forgive the strangers or family members who have hurt you in the past, how will you forgive your spouse in the future, who is sure to wound you?"

By continuing to resent family who has hurt me I am actually hurting my future spouse and the longevity of our marriage. I can't emphasize how troubling it was to feel as if I had already doomed a marriage to someone that I had never even met yet. But then, after some introspection, I can't emphasize how freeing it is to realize the control I have over my own situation and future marriage.

As for me, I'm choosing forgiveness. I'm choosing to look at the journey I need to walk through and climb that mountain with open eyes to the future. It's going to be an active decision daily to forgive my parents and other families, to look at a situation with them where I am continually hurt and see something bigger than it. To recognize that something bigger as more important, restful, and healing than hanging on to or trying to compartmentalize the hurt. To decide once and for all that I am not defined by their decisions and can lead a life different than theirs. To pull myself out of the darkness that is anger and into the light that is hope. I hope that one day I can lead a healthier marriage for my children to have modeled for them. A healthier marriage built on forgiveness that starts with my practicing today.

For my future spouse, it is my hope and prayer that you are also experiencing peace and forgiveness with the hurts of your past so that we can move forward in unity and strength in our marriage.