A Beautiful Ride for Motherhood

*As this is my first time ever blogging, please excuse any awkwardness.*

I did not know what was to come from such an exciting result. I took the at-home pregnancy test in the morning as soon as I woke up. I went to the bathroom, sat down, and urinated on the stick just as the package directed, OH SO VERY CAREFULLY put the cap on and set it in the flattened wrapper on the bathroom counter, finished my business and washed my hands while continuously watching the result window trying to contain the anticipation and excitement. As I came back to bed, I was trying to hide my smile. I handed my fiancé the test and he asked me what it said. Of course, I did not say anything to give it away but I knew he could tell. I waited to see his reaction as he pulled out our first positive pregnancy test. Not even a month prior I had a blood test due to a late period that my doctor said was negative. I had a feeling that she was wrong and that the bleeding was not menstrual related. We could not be more thrilled until...

A few hours later that morning as I happened to be sitting on the edge of the bed with the door cracked, putting the test in a safe place, our room mate came to knock on the door to tell me about breakfast being ready and noticed it in my hand. She was furious about the result and could not fathom the thought of having a pregnant woman under her roof. I had wished it did not go down as it did, but the cat was out of the bag. Then she quietly told her husband who was in the kitchen. I did not hear much of their conversation because of the thoughts, emotions, and fight or flight response running through my mind. That was quite an eventful morning to say the least.

Now let us fast forward to almost two months later. I was admitted to the hospital for psychiatric care. My need for shelter was being threatened when I already felt as if I did not have a stable living situation or time to formulate a solid plan. I had an episode where I was nearly home alone (fiancé was in a deep sleep) and I wanted to seriously hurt myself. I am so lucky that he woke up and I could not bare the thought of hurting my friends and family. I love him for all that he has done for us and everything that is to come in the future.

After another six months later... as I am now a struggling and a confused first-time mom pregnant with a boy and only my fiancé bringing the income, it is very stressful to maintain everything between the cleaning, cooking, relationship, baby on the way, family, six dogs, ten puppies, roommates, and so on. I still do not know how my brain, body, and emotions could be functioning. Even though I go to a psychiatrist once a month and a therapist three times a month, I definitely have my highs and lows.

To wrap this story up for now, I absolutely would not trade this experience for anything else. The moral of this long story is you cannot buy lessons, experiences, and memories to last a lifetime. It has been an amazing trip so far and we both look forward to birth and beyond. Happy blogging.