A Beautiful Life

It's funny the things they don't prepare you for when you're expecting a child. You have your lists all ready of all the things some book or magazine told you that you would need. Items to help you welcome your new bundle of joy into this world, all the items you'd need to care for yourself after welcoming this new bundle.

What happens when all these things, all these things you deemed so necessary, can't shield you from what comes next? What happens when you've done everything right and somehow you still are tossed upon a rollercoaster that you didn't know you were in line to ride? What happens when your whole world comes crashing down?

My son was about two when it finally hit everyone that something was different about him. Oh, he showed some subtle signs from infancy through those two years, but I chalked it up as "gentle nature" or my favorite "he's just antisocial like me." He was both, or neither, or everything about just pointed to what was in front of me, but I chose to ignore. Autism. It's funny what one word can do to a person, a family, a whole group.

Suddenly we are tossed into a world of testing and probing. Appointments and car rides. Agony and thin patience. All during this time it seemed everything was just getting worse. My son's nerves were shot, he was regressing, our family was so centered on our one family member that everyone else felt so neglected. Our extended family so gung ho about our son's progress, always so eager for good news and quick with the pick-me-ups for the ever so present bad days. The looks, oh the looks from everyone! My already high anxiety driven higher due to my antisocial nature and all the many many looks in public.

It's funny what those books and magazines don't prepare you for. It's funny the way things turn out even when you do what's right to ensure you're in the correct line for the rollercoaster you signed up for.

My introduction to autism had only been whatever articles I viewed online. Stories of mothers overcoming tremendous battles they fought alone in their heads trying to find their way in this disability that was thrust upon their lives as well.

This may be one of those stories, it may be something completely different. What I do know is this, my journey into autism has been quite a rollercoaster. Just when you think you have something figured out, here comes something else. But I feel like this is something that happens to all kids in varying degrees in their growing years.

To say all kids are different is usually very true, when I think of my son though there is one phrase that does come to mind that fits like a glove. Gabe is Gabe. I can say "oh Rex is silly" and "oh Reyna is such a princess," but it's funny that I get to my middle child (of course he would also be a middle child, haha) and Gabe is simply and beautifully just that. Gabe is Gabe. He knows who he is and it shines with all his might, and boy is that might strong!

I've learned that this life IS what you make it. I can't imagine a life any other way than it is. Truth is I'm the blessed one; my son has taught me the true meaning of patience, love deep as an ocean and heart that's so pure. He continues to teach me, about me. Everything he does is either 10 steps ahead of me or so childishly planned I can't help but giggle. His world that he's in is something else. Some days I wish to join him.

The moments of love and affection that he does show (which isn't as often as any mother would hope and never has been) are true moments of love and trust. When you receive a Gabe hug you can feel it in your soul, and because he's so guarded about who he lets close, if you get a Gabe hug you know it was very much meant.

What he's done in the lives of all that know him is nothing short of amazing. He continues to amaze me and surprise me. He keeps me on my toes and always has a new grey hair to give me but I can't imagine a life where he's any other way than he is. It's a lot of extra work and a lot of extra time, lord knows we've given up a lot to help "baby brother" keep up with everyone and also to not be sad and join us in our world more than leave us for his.

I love this journey I'm on and I'm sure there's plenty more to see as I've seen more than I ever bargained for in his last four years. As we approach his 5th birthday I can't help but reflect on how far we've come in so little time, and how with my other children I just blink and they've outgrown me. Gabe is a constant in my life, I feel like I've closed my eyes for minutes to reflect and there he still is. My worries for his future never falter, but I do remain hopeful. He continues to amaze me and perhaps he will continue to do so through the years. We can all only hope.