5 Ways to Stop a Family Fight

Even the closest and most loving families have disagreements and fights. However, the key is not to let it escalate. And here’s how:

Generally speaking, airing out differences isn’t bad. It can actually be a productive experience if it leads to mutual understanding and compromise.

And it's always healthier to “let it out” than to bottle it in and get ulcers. However, there are those fights that escalate and do more harm than good.

When a destructive fight is under way, keep these five tips in mind:

1. Time Out

No matter if the fight is between you and your spouse, you and your children, or it’s a nasty siblings' battle, taking a break to “cool off” can bring things into perspective.

One easy way to do this is to have a “break-the-fight signal” as part of your family rule. Similar to a boxing match where a “gong” directs both contestants to go back into their corners, choose something (this could be a bell, hand signal or a certain word) that will signal the arguing family members to take a break.

A break can mean one goes out for a walk or simply in another room. However, before taking the time out, each party has to agree on a certain time to meet again to resolve the issue.

2. Feeling vs. Blaming

Talk to your family about how important it is to share how one feels, rather than pointing the finger at the other person and telling them, “You did this,” or “You did that.”

For example, when your child gets sick, instead of blaming each other, try to figure out what the reason for it is.

It may be the water you are drinking at your home is not pure, so the solution could be getting a quality water purifier for your home.

You can find pretty good water purifier under 15,000.

Putting the other person on the defensive is sure to provoke more yelling matches.

Instead, share how you are feeling when the other person is doing something that affects you.

“When you come home late, I feel…” or, “I feel you don’t trust me, when…” This is less likely to make the other person defensive, and you won’t say something that you will regret later.

3. Writing It Out

Encourage your family members to write about what upsets them. This can be done during the “time out” period or before first approaching the other person with an “issue.”

Again, it’s important that it’s written in the “I feel” language, and not “so-and-so is a moron because…” When someone is reading something they prepared in writing, the rule is that they have the floor.

This means the other person can’t interrupt and has to let the person finish. In return, once finished, the person who has done the talking has to patiently listen to the response.

This method can help for arguments to become more thoughtful and less aggressive.

This may be a stretch for some, but you can also ask that the last part of the writing process is to answer the question, “What can I do to make this situation better?”

4. The Facilitator

Sometimes the fight may have reached a dead end and neither party is willing to budge. It may last for days, hanging like a dark cloud over your whole family.

That’s when you call in “the facilitator.” Designate a relative or close friend to your immediate family that everyone feels comfortable with.

The facilitator’s role is not to take sides, but to mediate the discussion between the arguing family members. It’s like going to a counselor, but a lot less expensive.

That person may decide to talk to each person individually before bringing everyone together. The key is that the facilitator remains objective and is good at listening and asking problem-solving questions, such as, “What is the one thing right now that would make you less upset?”

5. Will It Matter Five Years From Now?

Someone once said that if it won’t matter in five years, then it’s not worth fighting about now. That’s good to keep in mind when you are in the midst of arguing about who is right or wrong, or if your spouse or child pushed some of your buttons.

We tend to enlarge the drama in the present, but once we look at the bigger picture, it may actually appear silly and really not worth fighting over.

So next time you feel your blood pressure rising or you see any of your family members getting into it, ask, “Will this matter five years from now?" The answer to that question may quickly cool many family arguments.