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475 Continued...

Am I a murderer?

After crying for a few hours, I just laid there. I just felt so empty inside. This was the first time I had experienced a loss of someone so close.

I decided to text Ashly and see how they were handling everything. I asked her to let your family know how sorry I was (I was expressing my condolences. I wasn’t apologizing because I felt it was my fault).

She told me there was a recording and a journal titled The Last Year of My Life; she also said you wrote me a letter. She said she would make me a copy of the recording and I would have to call your sister Chantle to get them. You also left a letter for her (Ashly), Josh, and there was another one—I’m guessing it was for your dad. She told me that you said I played a huge part in why you decided to kill yourself. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Then again, it didn't surprise me; you always made me out to be the bad guy. She said she didn’t know what to believe or how to feel. We texted back and forth for a while. 

I finally decided to text your sister Chantle; again I expressed my condolences. I asked her if she really thought it was my fault, She said no, that you were sick and had been battling your demons for many years. I thought I’d feel some kind of relief knowing she didn’t think it was my fault, but I didn’t. She asked about your car. I told her I had it, but it was full of all my stuff. She said I would need to return it and that was fine, I just asked if I could do it later that day. I didn’t have the energy, I had been crying for hours; I could barely keep my eyes open. She said that was okay. A few minutes later I looked out the window and noticed your aunt and Ashly's mom were outside. I thought to myself, are you fuckin' kidding me right now? These inconsiderate fucks! I just got done saying I needed some time. I was pissed! I didn’t know if I should just throw the key outside and let them deal with having to take all my stuff out of your car, or if I should go tell them to get the fuck off my mom's property! But I thought of how you would want me to handle the situation. 

I took a deep breath and went outside. I opened the car door and started getting my stuff. Your aunt started yelling, "you killed him!" They said it was my fault that you killed yourself, saying I’m going to prison because I’m a murderer! I wanted to say how I felt but I bit my tongue and continued removing my stuff from your car. I couldn’t help but question myself: Did I kill you? Was I really the reason you decided to end it all? I felt like I was going to throw up. There’s no way; this goes way deeper than me and you fighting. I tried to hurry. They just kept saying it over and over: you're a murderer! Do you know how hard it was for me to hold back and not defend myself in a situation where I feel I’m being attacked? I was about to snap! If I would of have, I would have regretted it. I had too many emotions building up. Who knows what could have happened? I couldn’t be mad at them, it wasn’t their fault. You're the one that made them believe I was the one that caused this. My eyes filled with tears, I was so hurt. I quickly handed your aunt your keys and I went back inside. I couldn't believe it. I was so angry with you; why would you make everyone think it was my fault? We both know that wasn't true. Yes, we did things to hurt each other sometimes but we never held it against each other. We knew it was just stupid shit we said in the heat of the moment. I was angry because you just ruined whatever little chance our daughter had at having a relationship with your family and her brothers. Then I thought maybe that's what you wanted. As it was, JJ didn’t have a relationship with any of them. I didn't know what to think anymore, I was so hurt and confused.
 What on earth were you thinking when you did this, Jimmy? I just don’t understand it.

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