30 Journal Entries to Self Discovery - Day 10

Hello, hope everyone's having a great week! Sorry for the late post this morning from day nine, technical difficulties. But welcome to day ten and thanks for following still. Here's the quote for the day: "We write to live life twice, in the moment and in retrospect." - Anais Nin

DAY TEN: WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR AND WHAT CAN YOU DO TO FACE IT?

If we're getting technical, I have a huge totally rational fear of bunnies. However, I would have to say my biggest fear is disappointing my daughter. I'm honestly afraid I won't be enough. I won't make enough money, I won't be able to take off work enough, I won't be the perfect PTA mom. I have no idea what kind of mother my daughter will want and I'm so afraid of letting her down. I know this day will come. It's already been written into our timeline.

I'm going to have to let my daughter down at some point. The crazy thing about one parent leaving the life of a child is that parent isn't around to explain why they aren't there. It's the job of the parent who stayed to break the heart of their kid. I have no idea how in the world I'm going to explain to my daughter that her father isn't around. I know she's going to be disappointed and that it will affect her for the rest of her life. I'm praying to God every day that it affects her in a way that she sees how much she's loved by the family she does have. I hope that she sees that she doesn't need the love of a man in order to be a wonderful, successful person. I pray to God that she doesn't hate me when I tell her why her dad isn't around. I hope she doesn't believe that she was a mistake because she was never the mistake. Her father was the mistake and I have no idea how to make her see that. How do you explain to a child that their own flesh and blood decided to leave them without completely crushing them? I will forever hate her father for the mere fact that he won't have to look her in the eye and watch her heart break. I will.

I will have to face my biggest fear. I can't avoid it. I could lie, but I think I would disappoint my daughter even more if I did lie to her and she found out the truth. It will happen. The only thing I can do is to not disappoint her in any other way. I know the perfect mom doesn't exist but I at least want to be the mom that my daughter is proud to have and loves to be around. I don't need to be rich, I just want to make enough to support whatever she decides to do. I don't need to be a stay at home mom, I just want to be around enough that she knows she comes first and she can say with pride and certainty that I will be at every parent-teacher conference and every sports game day that she's involved in. Disappointment will come. I cannot avoid it. I will have to face my fear at some point and the only thing I can do until that day comes is pray and try my hardest to make life great for her in every other way.

My thoughts: I don't know about this question. I think we all know what we fear the most. Most of us fear something that we will eventually have to face. There's no point in fearing something you may never come in contact with. I think we've all thought of these scenarios and that's probably why a lot of us have anxiety. It didn't really decrease my anxiety at all to write about my fear. It honestly just made me think about it more and now I'm biting my nails, again. I don't think this is a really a self-discovery question, at least, it wasn't for me. I think it's more of a problem-solving question. It's just trying to get you to look at your problem from a different viewpoint. Sometimes writing down your problems can help you solve them.