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2. Anger

My Five Stages of Grief

Katie, Ryan, Piper, and I

Let me start by saying I will never call my sister selfish for doing what she did.

Here is one of the best quotes to explain how I feel about it:

“Suicide is not selfish. Suicide is normally death caused by the illness of depression. It is the final symptom. A final collapse under unbearable weight. Suicide is a tragedy.”

Both of my parents have called her selfish multiple times. It pisses me off because Piper and I both know exactly how she felt. We feel it everyday and constantly have to choose between two options:

  • living and dealing with the constant pain, or
  • dying but hurting others

No one wants to hurt their families. No one wants to put anyone through that pain, but when it gets to the worst point, it takes more courage to live than to die.


At my lowest point, I watched videos of people shooting themselves. I cut my thighs until I ran out of the room to cut, and then moved on to my legs and arms. (The cutting was nothing new for me.) I overdosed on my meds and was up all night hallucinating. Just a few more and I could've been with her again. I prayed that God would take me off of this fucking Earth so I wouldn't have to do it myself.

There have been times where I've had mental breakdowns and I'd be mad at Katie for leaving me. She hurt us so badly. Nothing will ever be the same anymore.


Piper ran away one night and scared the absolute shit out of all of us. She texted everyone, telling them she loved them, and left. Something in my head kept telling me she was dead. I knew she wasn't doing well and I was terrified. I bawled and told my parents, "If she's dead, I need you guys to admit me to a hospital."

The next morning I got a call from Gold's Gym. Piper was okay, THANK GOD, and my parents went to pick her up. The cops came back to my house to talk to her about it. What happened was Avery, 18—maybe 19 now, I'm not sure—picked her up, tried to do things with her (if you know what I mean), and dropped her off somewhere. KEEP IN MIND PIPER IS 15 YEARS OLD AND HE IS AN ADULT. It was raining that night and Piper was lost and she slept outside in the cold. Avery lied to me, my family, the cops, his family, everyone. I was livid.


Remember in the backstory when I said that the phone call that Piper and I had fucked her up?

Well, Piper was admitted to a mental hospital a little while after she had run away. They diagnosed her with PTSD and obviously depression. She wouldn't let herself sleep because she was scared of waking up to another phone call like that. She blamed herself for Katie's death because she knew about a bunch of stuff but never said anything because she was asked not to. She thought that she needed to die because Katie was waiting for her.

I'm mad that Katie told her everything. I'm mad that she left her.

I've let Piper down a lot recently and I'm upset that she doesn't have her other big sister anymore.


I’m mad that she left Kinsley. My aunt and uncle adopted her, but it is so fucking hard hearing her call someone else mommy. I am glad Kinsley loves my uncle so much though. She’s never had a real dad. Don’t get me wrong, I love my aunt, but it just breaks my heart that Katie’s not here to be her mom and take care of her anymore.

Kinsley adored Katie. They were best friends and now she’s going to grow up without both of her real parents.


I love Katie more than anything. I’m not necessarily mad at her for doing it. I understand why she did it. Her life was hell from the start. I’m just sad she left us, but I'm glad she's in peace now.