11 Weeks Later

The giggles, the smiles, the late night cuddles. Everything about her is so prefect. You miss her when she’s in the next room, you go out of your way just to get one last look at her before leaving for work. She has made you a mommy.

Yet you wake up some mornings and don’t even want to move out of bed, but you know you have to because that little wonder is crying for her mommy. You get up, put two feet on the floor and avoid the mirror as you walk by it. You pick up your little angel from her crib and hold her tight making all of the negative thought push to the back of your brain for later.

I haven’t been able to properly look into a mirror since princess was born. I can’t imagine what it must feel like to be truly happy with myself. I avoid making eye contact as much as possible, a part of me feels like I don’t belong.

Every morning is the same, I wake up, feed her, then put her back to sleep while I clean the house and wash her bottles. I try to keep busy so my sadness doesn’t show in front of her. I try to be the happiest mommy I can be for her, but some days are harder than others.

I constantly hear myself think, “why are you even trying? You’re such a horrible mother.”

I let the tears run down my face as I scrub each tiny bottle. Constantly, the tears run down my face when I’m alone. Alone seems to be my only time I can cry or scream. I just had the most beautiful happy baby, how could I be so sad? How could I be so selfish!?

Then I get angry with myself, then I get angry at everything. I want to punch the wall with all my anger and sadness! I want to run away and never come back! They would be better without my sadness. They would be better without my selfishness.

Then I hear this little whimper and I remember what keeps me going. Ten tiny toes and a toothless smile. I run to her, I cradle my hand under her head and I pull my fussy little princess to my chest. I tell her how much I love her and I cry silently when my baby in my arms. She is what keeps me here and keeps me from going over the edge.

I didn’t know what Postpartum Depression was until I talked to my best friend about my anger and sadness towards life. She listened to what I was feeling and she explained that what I’m feeling is dangerous.

I thought this was the happiest time of my life, but it was loneliest. The anger, the guilt, and the sadness. I can’t escape them. It can’t flip a switch and be happy. I don’t know where to turn, I don’t know who to talk to. I just hold my baby and love her more than I love myself.