10 Ways a Mother-Daughter Relationship Changes When You're an Adult

"Ugh, mom, you're ruining my life."

It rings of bad 2000s teen dramas to be sure, but it's also something many daughters have said to their mothers as teenagers. Those years can be trying, as you feel more and more ready for independence and responsibility, but still don't have the freedom you want. This is part of the reason mother-daughter relationships can be tense just before you enter adulthood. And even if you never had a "you're ruining my life" phase, there are simply some things that you can't understand about your mother and your relationship with her until you reach adulthood yourself. For this reason, there are many ways a mother-daughter relationship changes when you're an adult, for better or for worse. (Spoiler alert: it's mostly better).

You don't mind going out in public with her.

In your teens, being caught with your mother was proof that you're not an adult. It was embarrassing. But in adulthood, it's no longer embarrassing to be seen spending time together, whether it be to let your mother drive you to the store or even go to a movie with her. You know you're an adult, and you have nothing to prove to anyone else. So it's a lot easier to develop a healthy relationship with your mother, free of the pressures of being seen as "grown up." Most likely, you'd kill to go back to the days when you didn't have to do your own grocery shopping, and your mom would always be there after a tough day. It's hard to appreciate as a teenager, but as an adult, your relationship with your mother changes a lot, and it becomes much easier to be seen with her.

"I'll never be like her," becomes "Wow, I can't believe how similar we are."

It seems like a lot of teenagers don't want to be anything like their parents. For some, there is a good reason. But for many, this is something that changes in many ways. The truth is, through nature or nurture or both, mothers and daughters tend to be a lot alike. And this really comes out when you're an adult, and you learn to appreciate those things. Maybe it's your sense of humor or your taste in movies, or the way you can't stand to do anything else until the dishes are out of the sink (thanks, Mom, not sure I wanted to inherit that one), or your little quirks or interest in chemistry... as you grow up, you'll find that many aspects of yourself—aspects you love and are proud of—you can trace back to your mother.

You see more of her personality.

It's a strange thing, parenthood. You spend a huge portion of your life with this small person, taking care of them, helping them, and sacrificing a lot for them, but not minding because you love them. But being a mother is taxing and difficult, and when you're being "taken care of" by your mother, it's harder to see the quirks of her personality. Many daughters find as they get older that there's a lot to their mothers they never saw before.

Part of this is that mothers try to be role models for their kids growing up. But as their daughters get older, there are more topics that you can talk about, jokes you can make, and things that the daughter can understand now, but couldn't have before. When their daughters grow up, mothers are freer to be themselves—not just themselves in constant Mom Mode.

She listens to you.

One of the major ways a mother-daughter relationship changes in adulthood is the balance of dependence and independence, and as a result, a sense of equality. Of course, you were always equals as human beings, but for most daughters growing up, there's a sense of "mom knows best." This can be a good thing, or a frustrating thing. But either way, it's a nice change when you start to have conversations in which instead of your mother hearing the voice of a child, you actuallygive the advice, and your mother listens. This isn't about a power struggle or proving yourself or anything like that—it's simply the development of a child into an adult, and some of the perks that come with it.

You miss her.

You don't get much of a chance to miss your mother as a teenager. But the older you get, the less you need her for. Eventually, you might even stop calling her to ask about your health insurance. Heck, you might even get your own health insurance. The point is, as time goes on, you'll have fewer and fewer reasons to call or visit, until you're left with just one: because you miss her. And even as an adult, you do come to miss your mom, not just because you now have to cook your own meals and do your own dishes and laundry, but because you miss her presence in your life, you miss talking to her. You don't get a chance to notice or miss all of these things when you're young, but as an adult, they begin to stand out more and more in your memory.

You see her flaws.

It can be sad to see the flaws of your idols and role models, and seeing your mother's flaws is certainly bittersweet for this reason. But it can also be an important step to a healthy relationship between mothers and daughters. When you're dependent on your mother, one of two things tends to happen: some daughters look at their mothers with rose-tinted glasses, idolizing them, while others grow to resent their mothers' flaws and bring tension into the relationship. But as an adult, it's much easier to find the middle ground between these extremes, and understand that your mother is a human being too, one who will make mistakes and has flaws. And, even more importantly, that's okay. This can really affect the ways a mother-daughter relationship changes, helping you to form a more equal relationship, something more like the bond of close friends or siblings.

You feel comfortable telling her about your life.

Mothers and daughters don't always get along, or see eye-to-eye. Often, this leads to daughters hiding things from their mothers more and more as they go through their teen years: romance, friends, drama, or even things as simple as how your day was just don't seem like things you can really talk to your mom about. But having a healthy relationship with your mother as an adult means opening up, and feeling more comfortable talking openly about your life. And you might be surprised at the source of wisdom and advice you find in your mother that you never made use of before. This isn't to say that as an adult, you call your mom every day and give her a detailed rundown of your day. But you might find yourself excited to tell her about big events in your life, or going to her for advice or comfort during difficult times. Plus, when you're not worried about being grounded or forbidden from doing something, it's a lot easier to let your guard down and have honest conversations with her.

You become a mother yourself.

Obviously, not every daughter becomes a mother. But, equally obviously, many do. And for those who do become a mother, it is perhaps the biggest event that changes a mother-daughter relationship. Sometimes, this can cause tension, as you field unsolicited advice and feel that your mother is overstepping her bounds. But if you can both find the common ground, motherhood can have a profoundly beautiful impact on your relationship with your own mother. First, you understand her better and appreciate everything she did for you as a child even more once you gain a mother's perspective. But secondly, you develop a bond of likeness, something like the feeling of belonging to the same club: motherhood. You know she'll understand when you need to complain about your lack of sleep, unexpected side effects of pregnancy, or whatever else you might need to talk about. It can create a kind of trust and friendship between you that you might never have had otherwise.

You appreciate everything she did.

Appreciation is one of the major ways a mother-daughter relationship changes as you grow up. A lot of teenagers might feel grateful to their parents, and think they appreciate everything they do, but it's hard to see just how much of an impact your mother has on your life until you're grown, and doing everything for yourself. You begin to realize that the little things, like dishes and laundry, are actually pretty big things. And that there are a LOT of them. This isn't to say that all teenagers are ungrateful, or that you should feel guilty for not properly appreciating your mom, but your ability to fully realize and appreciate her work is something that you can really only achieve by growing up, moving out, and shouldering those responsibilities yourself.

You're less afraid of judgement.

Part of the reason you and mother become more honest with each other when you're an adult is that you no longer have to be afraid of her judgment. You might value her opinion deeply, and that's a good thing, but when you establish a life for yourself—your own life—you lose the need to defend your choices so strongly. It can hurt when you and your mom don't see eye-to-eye, but as an adult, it's much easier to stand by your decisions, and learn to navigate a healthy relationship with your mother regardless of these differences.