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10 Tips On How to Co-Parent Effectively

They Didn't Ask to Be Here!

By Nani GooPublished 6 years ago 7 min read
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Every Kid Grows Up, And They Will Want to Know What Happened! 

In 2017 I became a facilitator on a curriculum called 24/7 Dad. It changed my perspective parenting as a whole!

10 Tricks To Help You Co-Parent Effectively

It's unfortunate that a lot of the children in today's society are being raised in stressful, chaotic, split home type of situations. It does not need to be this way! If the main focus of the conversation genuinely remains on the well being and enrichment of the child(ren's) life, with out any hidden emotions of one ex or another slipping into the discussion. When involved in a co-parenting situation, removing our bitterness, our heart break, our "I bust my ass every day with this kid" can be one of the most difficult things to do, but it must be done! Here are 10 tips and tricks to try and help you cultivate a better co-parenting relationship with the father/mother of your child(ren).

The first two tips are questions you must ask yourself first, granted, you don't want to answer the questions out of anger, or hate, or your self-imposed beliefs as to why the other parent does or behaves a certain way! Take your time with the questions, really reflect at past situations regarding the children that may have been blow out of pa-portion or could have been handled differently, if both parties where aware of their emotions.

1.) The main barrier I and the mother/father of my child face in raising our children together is "_____________________________________________________".

Now that you have answered the first question, ask yourself this:

2.) These situations are affecting our children because "_________________________________________________".

Granted, most of the issues and barriers that arise with individuals, arise because of differences in backgrounds, differences in morals and values, contradictions of beliefs, and the lack of compromise. No one wants to budge, no-one wants to give in, but everyone wants things to go according to their standards. This type of mentality is for a 5 year old, not for individuals who have just brought more life into the world.

3.) Ask yourself, "What differences can I change or solve?" If you have the ability to solve or change and issue, and haven't because you enjoy being spiteful, or because you're still mad that the other party found a new love, shame on you! Think about how much time has been spent on arguments, and disagreements, and imagine all of the things that could have been done to enrich that child's life instead. One of the hardest things in life to do is "be the bigger person." In order to do this you must want change! This brings me to number 4.

4.) Understand the importance of change, and listening effectively! If you always feel in your heart that you are right, guess what? You are wrong!!! It's true what they say, if you are not a part of the solution, you are the problem. There will be times when what the other party is saying is true! There will also be times when what you're both saying is also true! Now take both those previous sentences and replace "True" with "False," because just as we are right, we can be wrong too!!! Accept it!

5.) Readers remember this is the other parent of your child we are talking about! If you don't value them for them, value them for your child, who probably looks at them like a superhero! As hard as it may be, hold your tongue when talking to your child about their other parent, remember children see their parents as a reflection of what they will one day grow up to be. So if Dad is steady calling Mom out of her name, and Mom has no hair on her tongue when it comes to describing Dad, how is that child going to feel about him/her self growing up with a mom that Dad calls a hoe, and a dad that Mom calls a dead beat? Value one another, and agree to disagree, no one has to be named "champion after every disagreement."

6.) Come up with standard rules if you need to. This will help ensure that the environment is always pleasant for the child, whether Mom and Dad live together, or a separated. For example, if you know that after 20 minutes of talking about an issue Mom is going to get wild, and start throwing things, because that's how she gets her point across. Then you should know to talk no longer that 15 minutes, then revisit the conversation another time. Don't antagonize one another! Or one of your rules can be to walk away the first time someone is called out of their name. Simple things can make a big difference.

7.) Know what and why you are saying something. Have facts or scenarios, when trying to convince the other parent why you are not budging on certain things. Saying things like "because I said so," or "I don't have to explain shit" to another grown adult who has a vested interest in your child's life, may not sit very well! It's those types of sayings that usually stirs up drama, because now one parent feels lesser than the other, when the facts remain that a child with both parent involvement succeeds way more that children in a single parent house hold environment (no 2nd parent involvement). Be ready to explain your decisions.

8.) Be realistic! Don't put unrealistic goals and expectations on the other parent, which you already know they are not capable of accomplishing! Don't set the other parent of for failure on purpose! If you know that Dad works over night shifts, yet you get mad every morning because you feel like he doesn't help you get the children ready for school in the morning. Be realistic! That man just finished working to provide for the family, he may be exhausted. Instead of throwing around your unnecessary attitude, ask Dad if he thinks he'll be able to help on a certain day of the week, this way Dad knows what you expect, and he is not left wondering why you are so mad in the morning. If Dad is not in the home, maybe you can arrange for Dad to do afternoon pickups (because you know he works 3rd shift, and you want to be realistic).

9.) Communication should be number one on the list! Communicating with the other parent can be one of the most uncomfortable things you will have to do. Here again, weather the baby was made on a one night stand, or Mom and Dad separated after years of being together, mustering up the courage to tell someone how you feel, and what you're thinking, is one of the most vulnerable positions we can put ourselves in, but it's how we grow! When parents communicate effectively, there is no room for assumption, there is no room for he said she said, there is only room for empathy and understanding. If there is no empathy and understanding, the other party may shut down, and then you will never know why the person says, or does the things they do! Here again some of the things that are said, and done will not sit well with the other parent, and vice versa, and that's ok! We are all our own unique individuals, no always keep in mind, that your values and morals and opinions are just that! Yours!

10.) Remember the child. That child deserve his/her "best chance" at life. The child usually does not ask to be here, and therefore should not have to suffer as if he/she was the one who did something wrong. Do what ever you can to ensure that as Mom and Dad you have put your best foot forward, even if Mom or Dad is making co-parenting borderline impossible, you must continue to do your due diligence to impart goodness into that child's life!

Take from this what you will, but never take away a child's opportunity to have both parents regularly involved in their lives!

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About the Creator

Nani Goo

I like to think that I view life differently. I wear my sleeve on my heart, but am quick to tell it like it is. My life hasn't been easy, but every experience comes newness. Life is a son of a bitch, grab him by the ball and jerk him.

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