10 Signs You Have Narcissistic Parents

My boyfriend and I recently had a major argument about his lack of romance. After months of chiding him about getting more romantic or doing romantic gestures, I finally snapped and crossed the line.

During the argument, I told him he’d never be the man I wanted, and that I didn’t know why I couldn’t get a guy who was romantic and caring towards me. He then began to cry and explained that he didn’t know how to be romantic.

As it happened, everything clicked. His family life was one that was characterized by narcissistic abuse, which was why he would oftentimes go out of his way to keep a status quo and shut down when I’d ask for affection.

When he went out dating, all of his exes had narcissistic personality disorder, too. They convinced him that he was a narcissist, and reinforced the “shut down and walk away” behavior he had.

Truth be told, he actually thought that he was the narcissist due to all the projection they had put him through. This isn’t uncommon, nor is it something you should stand for. Before you assume that you’re the “broken” one, make sure you check for signs you have narcissistic parents first.

Your parents very clearly favored one kid over the other.

Did you ever feel like the “family scapegoat,” or notice that your parents treated you exceptionally well compared to your sibling(s)? If you have narcissistic parents, this is very likely what you experienced growing up.

Most people who were raised by narcissists tend to see this dynamic play out with their family. This is because narcissists will often have a child who they use to blame their faults on, while using their golden child as a “trophy kid.”

No matter how much you tried to explain your issues to them, your parents could never understand you, nor did they ever seem to care.

One of the key signs you have a narcissistic parent involves empathy—a lack thereof, more precisely. As a result, kids who were raised by narcissistic parents very rarely (if ever) feel like their parents care about them. In most cases, a home with narcissistic parents is a very icy one.

Generally speaking, there are two types of narcissistic parents: “Ignoring” narcissistic parents and “Engulfing” narcissistic parents. Ignoring parents will ignore a child’s needs and just neglect them since they don’t view them as important as themselves. If you have parents who ignore your needs and feelings, you probably didn’t have much affection in your childhood.

You often felt like an extension of your parents.

Engulfing parents, on the other hand, refuse to see their children as individuals with their own goals or feelings. Rather, they see their children as extensions of themselves and will treat them as such. Kids who get exposed to this treatment often find their personal growth stunted or even completely squashed by their parents.

If a narcissist’s child doesn’t act the way their parents would act, it’s not uncommon for the child to be punished—or to be made to feel like they aren’t loved. A lot of people who I’ve met in an engulfing parent’s grips would say that they felt like their parent’s love was conditional because of this behavior.

Boundaries aren’t something you had, unless you actually fled the house.

If there’s one thing that narcissists hate with a passion, it’s boundaries. Boundaries of any sort are their nemesis, even if it’s something as simple as asking parents not to read your text messages. That’s exactly why narcissists refuse to acknowledge boundaries.

Many cases of “helicopter parenting” are actually cases of narcissistic parenting run amok; and if you have extreme heli-parents, chances are that you have narcissistic parents who just refuse to let you have space to grow. Unfortunately and if it goes unchecked, helicopter parenting can affect kids later on in life in ways that are entirely irreparable.

The guilt trips are real.

Narcissists love control, and if they can’t get control by physical or financial means, they’ll do so using the art of manipulation. When you have narcissistic parents, this will more than likely boil down to guilt trips, cold shouldering, and using others against you.

Though every parent will guilt trip kids once in a while, narcissists will make it into an art form—and use it almost daily. As a result, many kids either become totally bent to their parents’ will or totally repulsed by emotional blackmail.

They love to criticize, but cannot handle criticism at all.

The biggest rule narcissists have is that they have to be right at all times. In fact, they have to be more right than anyone else in the room! Cutting others down is the only way narcissists actually feel good about themselves, which is why they love to criticize their kids.

Children of narcissists are often verbally berated, but quickly learn that any form of criticism to their parents will cause serious problems in their lives.

Your parents tend to find ways to spite you.

People who have narcissistic personality disorder have a dire need for control under any and all circumstances. If they can't retain control through niceness and guilt, they will start to find ways to get revenge for the perceived slight they're experiencing.

If you find that your parents purposefully hold you back or just mess with your wellbeing when you don't do everything they say, chances are high that the signs you have a narcissistic mother or father are written on the wall.

Parents are supposed to provide a child with unconditional love, but that's something children of narcissists never will experience. Why? Because their parents are too spiteful to care.

If you make a decision without your parents' involvement, they flip out.

I've personally seen this happen most frequently with narcissistic parents when their kids start dating and try to get married. Almost without exception, narcissistic parents loathe their potential future in-laws, without being able to cite what the issue is.

They meddle, wheedle, guilt trip, and at times even strong-arm in order to break things up. Why? Because they can't stand seeing their child escape their grips. If your spouse isn't able to stick up for themselves and cope with this behavior in a healthy way, it might be a sign you need to call the wedding off.

Your parents insisted on having a good appearance to outsiders.

Perhaps one of the most infuriating signs you have narcissistic parents is seeing your parents' obsession with keeping up appearances. Narcissists really, really, REALLY care about what others think of them—to the point that they will hurt themselves to have a good image to others.

It's fairly common for narcissist parents to present a picture-perfect image to strangers, only to have the inner workings of the family be the total opposite.

They constantly compete with you.

Creepily enough, if you have narcissistic parents, chances are that they see you as a threat. This is because they can't stand the idea of their kids outshining them, or worse, showing that they aren't as great as they could be.

As a result, many narcissistic parents will compete with their kids on every front—and that includes things they should want their children to exceed at. Sadly, this often means that narcissist parents will sabotage their own children just to feel like they won.