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1. Denial

My Five Stages of Grief

Katie & I 

I’ve dealt with three hard deaths in the past four years but this one was by far the hardest. Denial has always been a HUGE part of the grieving process for me. I didn't believe that Katie was actually gone for a long time. I didn’t want to, either. I wasn’t really very sad about it for a while either. Everyone tried to get me to talk about it but all I said was "It's not real so I'm fine."

For a few months, I would be bored & want to text her to see what she was doing and if she wanted to hang out. It took me a while to remember that she wasn't here anymore. It sucked. I just wanted my big sister back. I miss having a sibling that I can talk to about everything. I miss not being able to ask her questions about sex and drugs and other dumb shit that kids do.

I accidentally called her phone number a few times. One night I got a call from "Katie Fowler." That shit scared me. I quickly texted the number and apologized for calling and said it was my sister's old number. Then, I went to my room and cried! Fun! Times!

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I walked into her funeral & the first thing I thought was “Where’s Katie?” I didn’t even start crying until her daughter, Kinsley, got there. My aunt, my mom, and I told Kinsley about what happened to her mom a few days before the funeral. It was weird because she kind of already knew that she was gone. She was 3 at that time and that kid is the smartest 4-year-old I have ever met. It’s incredible. Katie got lucky with her.

Kins was being very shy and she wanted me to hold her when she came in. She also sat on my lap during the funeral, which helped me a lot.

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Lots of things went through my head during this time. I didn't think life was real. I questioned everything. I could talk about how life is meaningless and stupid for hours and hours if I wanted to. I was a fucking wreck.

I had stopped eating and started to lose weight again.

I contemplated suicide every day.

I never wanted to leave my room.

I started doing online school, which meant I was always isolating.

I drank every night.

I was always high & I never slept.

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One of Katie's nicknames was Katie bug. I was lying in bed one night and I looked over at a hair dryer that was on a table in my room. I saw something red on it so I got up to see if it was a ladybug and it was! It was the first ladybug I had ever seen in that house so I knew it had to be her. She visited a lot for a while. I would talk to her but then I would think I was going insane and I'd stop. My mom said that she only saw ladybugs when I was with her. This really helped me get through this stage.

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At this point, I was just really upset that she didn't think she could talk to me more. I kept asking why she left me. Why she left all of us. It wasn’t fair. I wish I could've been there for her more. I wish we would've been closer and hung out more. I wish that I would’ve spent more time with her when she wanted me to. I truly didn't realize how much I needed her until she was gone.

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1. Denial
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