When Is It Okay to Lie to Our Children?

It’s no secret that parents aren’t always completely honest with their children, whether to keep them sheltered from harsh realities or for their own wellbeing. Telling tall tales about mythical characters such as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny, for example, can actually leave a positive impact on children. Those that eventually learn the truth, either on their own or from their parents, and choose to accept it, have realized that not having these characters around hasn’t led to negative consequences in their lives or the world as a whole.

Additionally, those that choose to continue believing in the illusion of these characters can one day themselves recreate the magic for the enjoyment of their siblings or other children.

However, it becomes an issue when parents lie to their children about much heavier topics, because doing this actually stints emotional development in children and ruins any chance of building trust and better lines of communication with them.

There are several major subjects that should never be avoided or fabricated, and among them is the concept of death. Children will be able to easily acknowledge the non-existence of fictitious figures, because they aren’t physically and intimately present in their lives, whereas finding out that a close relative or companion has passed away will not be taken lightly—especially if parents either prolong the discussion or neglect it entirely.

The same idea applies to divorce and absent parents. Children are a lot more sensitive to their surroundings than parents give them credit for; thus, they are able to discern that the relationship between their parents is abnormal or totally nonexistent. Trying to persuade them that the family is whole is a futile effort, because they either won’t believe it or will be given false hope that their parents will reconcile with each other in the future.

In the case of absent parents, it will be difficult to explain to children how they have suddenly become resurrected should they ever choose to return to the family one day.

As crucial as it is to discuss with children, procreation is, admittedly, a difficult topic to introduce to young children without bringing up a mature subject matter not typically suitable for them.

However, if parents aren’t open to discussing it seriously and honestly, it could lead to children developing negative, unhealthy, and/or confusing ideas about sex as well as body image in general. While it’s not necessary to give them full details right away, parents can start explaining the stages in simpler terms, such as the egg that grows in mummy’s belly.

When is it, then, an “appropriate” time to lie to children, given this entire discussion on when not to do it? There could be an acceptable time to, not lie per se, but keep certain things from children, and that is when discussing substance abuse.

Parents will have to eventually talk about its consequences, especially once their children are in their teenage years, but they will likely ask them if they’ve ever been involved with drugs and alcohol in their youth.

This is when parents can decide whether to reveal their troubled past to their children or not, assuming that they have such a history. Admitting to it, particularly if there were negative consequences, could actually help children resist the curiosity towards experimentation. Otherwise, it may be better to omit that detail from the discussion where there’s discomfort, or fear that it may be difficult to explain, because it may encourage children to experiment anyway seeing as their parents have done it.

Another "good" lie to tell children that will foster a more positive outlook on life is that they’ll get to eat their favourite, calorie-filled foods, when really healthy ingredients (like vegetables) have been used in their meals. They may not want to know about it, but it is great for their health, so this can be considered a win-win situation.

The important thing is to be able to differentiate between a fib or a secret, and a serious lie, and to approach children about certain topics in a way that will teach them about human nature without potentially complicating the parent-child relationship in the future.