Want for a Family

I feel like I should introduce myself. Hi, my name is Arielle and I want to be a mom (I feel like this is where a bunch of people would go 'Hi Arielle'). But there's a catch on my path to motherhood. I have no uterus.

I was told many years ago I would never be able to have children, but no doctor could exactly pinpoint why. I know what you're thinking, 'Uh, hey crazy, you just said you have no uterus.' Well that happened later.

I had been in a few relationships and felt no desire to have children with the men I was in those relationships with. So when I was faced with my own infertility, while I was upset, I didn't think that would effect me. I was in a long-term relationship and he didn't want kids, we were engaged so I thought we would be together forever.

After having a particularly painful period, I ended up in the ER where once again the doctors had no idea what was wrong with me. The next day I had an appointment with a specialist gynecologist, who I still adore. We went through all the possibilities, endometriosis, polycystic ovary syndrome, fibroids. I had been tested for PCOS, and my ultrasounds never showed any fibroids. So that left endometriosis.

I was scheduled a few weeks later for an exploratory laparoscopy because she was thinking endometriosis. Went in for the surgery and came out of heavy anesthesia being told, "We didn't find anything." Can you imagine how crazy I felt by this point?

I went in a week later for my follow up with the doctor, and was told I wasn't crazy, there is a very real issue. I was diagnosed with adenomyosis. Basically, what it does is some of my uterine lining wasn't shedding like it should, it was growing into the walls of my uterus. Essentially hardening it.

I was told pregnancy would be nearly impossible and if I were to get pregnant it would be extremely dangerous. This news absolutely devastated me, I didn't realize why at the time. I was grieving the loss of my fertility, I know that now. At the time, I couldn't understand why I was upset, I was in a relationship with someone that didn't want kids and I didn't want kids with that person so why was this bothering me?

I was put on different birth controls, and combinations of them, for several months, each one made me sicker than the one before. Then I was in, talking to my doctor and because of family medical history I was told there was a risk of cervical cancer. It was at this point that I was basically begging my doctor to get me out of pain, and the only way we would do that was with a hysterectomy. I was missing work because of the extreme pain, fighting with the person I was with because I was missing work and was always in a bad mood due to the hormones I was on.

She eventually agreed, and we scheduled for the surgery a few months later. This gave me time to get my time off of work arranged and gave me time to prepare myself and my surroundings for being down for a month. And it gave me time to grieve I thought.

I didn't properly grieve. I pushed down what I was feeling because it was 'stupid' and I was overreacting I thought. Let me tell you something. Take time to grieve, no feeling is stupid. Especially not grief.

The day came for the surgery, I was prepared. Sort of. My (now ex) fiancé took me. I was there at 4:30 in the morning, feeling more upset and lost than I have ever felt. I signed the papers, had IV's placed and anesthetic administered, I was cracking jokes all the way into the O.R. because I didn't want anyone to know how upset I really was.

I woke up a few hours later, alone and scared. My (now ex) was out in the waiting room, waiting to get the car ready to take me home. The nurses didn't tell me anything, I was adrift.

Fast forward a month, I'm released to go back to work. Going through the motions, still joking about everything when inside I'm lost and depression is overwhelming me. My home life by this point was feeling forced, the cocoon of love I thought I was surrounded in was beginning to crumble. I didn't know how to deal with the new me, so how could I expect him to?

About six or seven months later he and I split up. I was newly single and on antidepressants because I was still grieving my loss and then grieving the loss of my relationship. My best friend had invited me to a party, and said she would drag me out if I didn't go because I had been moping around by myself for too long and I needed to get out of the house. She was right, as always, I love that crazy girl.

So I went, and I met the most amazing man. It took me a little while to realize how amazing he was. We hung out together most of that night, joking around and playing beer pong (I'm a millennial, don't judge me). I stayed there until probably two in the morning, just having a good time and feeling like myself again. I hadn't felt that in a longer time than I'd like to admit.

The next day, I dragged my hungover self out to see my mom and tell her everything that had been going on during our estrangement. While I was out visiting her, I got a random text from the same guy I had spent the previous evening (night? morning?) with. After some initial confusion about how he got my number, because I sure as hell didn't remember giving it to him (my best friend's husband gave it to him for those that are wondering), we spent the rest of the day texting. I know, super original, but hey, I hate talking on the phone, that's what I do for a living basically.

We became somewhat inseparable after that. We texted each other all day, every day. He knew my situation, I was very up front about it because I didn't want to lead him on. So every day we were texting, sending each other random pictures of our days on snapchat, and just in general enjoying each other's company. The day I finally had him over for dinner, we didn't even eat, we spent the whole night talking, I sent him home with a container of spaghetti so I wasn't a horrible host.

We became even more inseparable after that. And somehow my not wanting a relationship turned into me starting to fall for this guy, and realize how badly I actually wanted to be a mother and I wanted a family with this guy. He was aware of my infertility, I wanted him to know what he was getting involved with.

Now here we are, we live together in a very happy relationship. And we have a plan for children. Ready? Drumroll please...Surrogacy.

Now that I have my backstory out of the way. I'll let that sink in. We will be going through a surrogate in order to have our family. And I can't wait to go through this journey with him.

I'll keep everything updated here.