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The Sh*t They Don't Tell You: Lesson 6

Lessons about the trials, tribulations, and the downright disgusting parts of parenthood that they don't tell you about!

By Tiffany WadePublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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Battery Operated Frustration

Christmas is just around the corner, my friends, and that means that all sorts of relatives are going to buy all sorts of toys for your youngins. From candy-filled stockings, to the sweaters that Aunt June knitted that they JUST HAVE TO try on, our kids are about to enter into a world of spoil. And yes, this includes what I like to call Battery Operated Frustration AKA those noisy ass toys that won't shut up.

I don't know about you folks, but Christmas has always been a big holiday in my family, and that didn't stop when my sisters and I began birthing the next generation. What did happen, however, was the sudden realization that relatives can be assholes (I'm talking about you, Mom) and give you payback for all the years you spent pestering them. In my case, this includes sisters, parents, and even close family friends.

You have two options for this lesson, and I won't be the one to decide for you!

  1. Lesson #6A: In an attempt to make your kids happy, buy bulk batteries (again, the Costco card comes in handy) and bear with the annoying noisemakers until next year, when they'll be replaced by new ones.
  2. Lesson #6B: You, if you can morally and subconsciously sleep at night, have the option to fake the toys' death and convince your child that the batteries died! And dang it, you just happened to forget to buy extra batteries at the store today. It was on your list too (Wink, wink!)!

My daughter's first Christmas was spent mostly at my mom and dad's house, and with each present that she (we) unwrapped, the sweat beads got bigger and the irritation grew, along with the list of batteries I'd have to buy for backups on all her new toys. One distinct memory I have of a toy that she was gifted from somebody was a butterfly that would call out colors, depending on what part of her wings you pushed. Not only would it call out "Red" but every other time, it'd say the colors in Spanish. It did not take me long to learn that red in Spanish is "rojo". Even though she was just shy of six months, that little girl learned how to kick the butterfly any and every chance she got, sometimes making me jump with random colors. I opted for option 2 in this case, and the butterfly magically disappeared.

The following year, with an 18-month-old, Christmas was even more fun and eventful, and again I came to regret any annoying thing I may have done to somebody in my childhood. We spent Christmas Eve running, playing and sledding in the snow, and came in just in time to curl up and watch our annual "A Christmas Story" marathon. The next morning, I watched in horror as my daughter unwrapped a FREAKING DRUM SET, courtesy of her wonderful Aunty and my asshole sister. I was a bit kinder this particular year, and decided that as long as she played the drums in her room, she was free to play them. Lo and behold, the drums were almost never played in her room, and majority of the time ended up smashed somewhere in my living room. It wasn't long before death visited parts of the drum set, until all of it was just *poof* gone.

Now, I'm not saying that any of this learning and/or creativity material is a bad thing. I'm just saying to keep one's sanity, a parent must pick and choose how they are going to handle the beeps, bonks, squeaks, music and random other noises that come from these toys. Just remember though, to hug your kiddos tight at night, no matter how much noise they may have inflicted on your ears!

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About the Creator

Tiffany Wade

I'm just me. Tiffany. Mom of Z, B and SC.

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