The Hardest Conversation

Due to my job with the elderly towards the end of their lives, it has gotten me thinking about my life. I work with people mainly in their eighties and nineties, mostly with dementia and Alzheimer’s. Families of my residents often find things hard but, in most cases, have made plans for their relative. This means they can visit them and not worry unduly about what happens when their loved one passes away. This is something I think everyone should consider, especially for themselves.

I am not saying that we will all get some debilitating illness but we don’t know what tomorrow will bring. You don’t want your family to have the extra stress of following your wishes when they might not know them all. If you don’t want to make an official will, at least make sure your loved ones know your wishes. Either talk about it or write it down.

You can have a very simple will if you don’t have much to say, but if they're property or money subjects, then it's wise to make a social will with an expert. The will can say who inherits what and how your estate should be divided. It can also go into fine detail of your funeral and other wishes. You can say who you want at your funeral and even who you don’t want. A dress code and a music list can also be included.

As an atheist, mine mentions no religious involvement, no burial in a religious site, black tour/band t-shirts and the songs I want played at the venue. I would be happy to be buried almost anywhere, as I don’t believe in any afterlife. Family, though, may want a location they can visit.

It can be worth thinking about all the things that can be divided when you go. Remember the insurance policies, the pensions, and anything you have paid for of value. Decide who gets what from your property through to your CD collection. Maybe even think of a way of giving someone a smile after you have gone by, leaving them something special that means something to them. Even a few quid behind the bar at your wake can bring a smile as people remember you.

Don’t leave it too late or if you have a will, make sure it's up to date. You don’t want your ex-wife getting anything if you remarried, for example. Remember new people in your life, such as children or grandchildren. Don’t leave anyone out or make sure parents have something which they can then sub divide. After my nana died, all the grandchildren wanted the orange plastic cup we had all drunk from over many years. In the end, this wasn’t possible, but I did inherit a table I had sat at to eat many times. It does remind me of my nan, even if it wasn’t the exit item I would have liked.

Like a pension, a will is something you might not consider at an early age. Both need to be sorted as early as possible. Pensions need to be constantly updated as well so the correct person gets any payouts after you have gone.

Sorry if this is all a bit maudlin and depressing, but I have seen what happens if plans aren’t made. I have known families receiving a call to say their loved one has passed away; the next line is which funeral home should we use. Little things like this need to be considered. It’s not really a conversation to have over lunch, but it's worth having as soon as you can. It will make things easier for all concerned in the long run.