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More Than Just a Mother

Motherhood is great, but it's not everything.

By Lana HutchinsonPublished 7 years ago 3 min read
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Photo by Jimmy Bay on Unsplash

Having kids changes everything. Any mother out there can recall those first moments of motherhood, after their baby was born. In the weeks and months after you become a mother for the first time, your earth tilts on its axis. Your life changes, the way you think changes, your identity changes.

You become a mother, and the depth of love and passion you feel for your child is heady and potent. All-consuming. It allows your child to easily become your whole life, and motherhood your whole identity. Unfortunately, sometimes becoming all wrapped up in motherhood does not make you the best mother.

I was one of those moms. My first was born when I was in my early twenties and I had two more in three years. For the first little while, I had no choice but to be all-mom, all-the-time, for my kids. I gave up any plans for college or a career to stay home and raise my kids. All my friends were other moms and all we talked about was being moms and our kids. When my kids got to be school age, I homeschooled them. My husband and I managed a weekend away from the kids once or twice a year, and during those weekends I had to work to not talk about how much I missed my kids. I even started referring to myself as "Momma" to everybody. Instead of being proud, I was a "proud momma." Instead of being busy, I was a "busy momma."

Everybody knows someone who is like this. Someone who gets their whole identity from their role as a mother. But what happens to you when you give up everything for your kids? Where do you as a person go?

I burned out when my oldest hit high school. By that time we had five kids, and the youngest was just a preschooler. We were tight financially and I had to take a part-time retail job. My three-year-old didn't handle me working very well and started acting up. I was still homeschooling all five kids, but their grades were suffering. My six-year-old was struggling with learning disabilities, my teenage daughters refused to do their school work, apparently content to fail the whole year.

My whole identity was wrapped up in being a mother and I was not succeeding at any of it. I was discouraged, I felt like a failure. I didn't even realize how little I had in my life besides my kids until the girls at work started asking me about myself.

"What do you do for fun?"

"Uh... Sleep."

"What kind of music do you listen to?"

"Whatever was cool in the 90s, which is the last time I had time to care."

"Do you like dancing?"

"Uh, maybe. I haven't been dancing since the 90s."

You get the idea.

A lot of that year was spent in tears, on my part. I had poured my whole life into my kids and I needed them to be perfect so I would feel like the sacrifice was worth it. And then I slowly realized my kids were not going to be perfect, so I better get over it.

Eventually, my thinking transitioned from constantly wondering what I could do to make my kids' lives better to sometimes thinking about what I could do to make my life better. For me.

I made a list of all the things I needed in a day to make my life better. Simple things, like "time for exercise" and "write in my journal." Having coffee with adult friends, no kids, once a week. I started some new hobbies and made some friends who didn't have kids. I gave myself permission to send my kids to public school.

Obviously, I still spend most of my time being a mom. I have five kids. It's just I'm not defined by them anymore. Now, I love to think of myself as a mom, but also a runner, a writer, a soap-maker, a knitter.

As for my kids; they have not suffered from my lack of all-consuming attention. In fact, they are thriving with their new independence. They are spending more time with their Dad and getting deeper relationships as a result. Their mother is happier and more relaxed, and that is good for everybody.

Don't be afraid to take time for yourself. Motherhood is a crazy, heavy job, but it doesn't have to be everything.

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About the Creator

Lana Hutchinson

Hi! I am a Canadian wife and mother of five wonderful kids. I love writing, knitting, cooking, my dogs, and my family. Check out my blog, rockyhousewife.blogspot.ca

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