Love Always, Grandma

A new favorite song of mine is "Pray"by Sam Smith. I don't know if you've heard it or not, but if you haven't you definitely need to. He sings about how he doesn't go to church and that he's never believed in it all, but that he is still a disciple of the Lord and he needs his help. He sings about how everyone prays in the end and I couldn't find a more true statement.

I'm a Christian who has been taking more time to grow my faith. But even someone like me, someone who doesn't pray very often, or go to church, but talks to God a lot, believe's that it's true that everyone prays in the end. Death is an interesting topic when you are involving religion into it. Many people who spend their whole lives never going to church, praying, or even believing, still pray in the end. Hoping that they will be allowed into Heaven.

This was never the case for my beautiful grandmother. Her faith was deep and strong her whole life. She never once doubted the Lord and even in the end, she knew she was going home to Him. She didn't have to pray in the end for Him to allow her through the gates. She had been praying her whole life for that. She was okay with death. Something not everyone is okay with. She wasn't ready to leave us, but she made peace with it because she was going home. Something all Christians hope to do in the end.

The question to prompt this writing was who in my family am I grateful for. My grandmother is who I'm grateful for. The toughest damn woman I've ever met. When you were at her house, you followed by her rules. That meant that as long as the sun was up, my cousins and I were outside. Whenever we slouched, she poked our backs to make us sit up straighter. If we put it on our plate, we ate it. There was no such thing as wasting food. Our beds were made when we woke up, we had to have at least on thing of fruit every breakfast, and we weren't allowed in the kitchen while she was cooking or cleaning dishes. That last one might seem funny because you would think a grandmother would love having her grandbabies helping out. But no, she was more of a "you can sit and watch" kind of grandma. But we loved her for it. She was the matriarch of my family. From her came four kids, 8 grandkids, and 5 great grandkids (so far!). She was not only my grandma though. She was also my friend. My best friend.

She was the ear I needed when I had to vent and the hug I needed to feel loved. She answered my phone calls when I was away at school and I missed my mom (who never seemed to answer her phone). She made my favorite meals when I came to visit her. She was proud of me, even when nobody else was. She got on to me about the stupid things I was doing more than my own parents did.

Now she watches over me, making sure I'm okay. I talk to her a lot and I think about her every day. I think if there was a person to be grateful for, it would most definitely be her. She was the light of my life. I had a bond with her stronger than I had/have with most people in my family.

Some days I feel like I got cheated. It's not fair that I only got 20 years with her while everyone else got more. Especially when we were becoming closer than we ever had been. It's not fair that she was taken away from us before she had the chance to see me at my highest point. She won't ever get to see me get married or meet my children. She won't be there when I graduate college or when I get my first big girl job. I can't call her up anymore to tell her about the exciting things I'm doing. It's just not fair.

BUT. I know she is where she belongs. She is home and she is pain-free and happy. I can live with the pain, knowing that she is where she wants to be. Where she prayed she would always end up. My grandmother was the most amazing woman. She taught me so much about life, love and family. Nobody loved this family more than she did. I mean how could they, she created it!

The last year has been the hardest year of my life. I'm coming up on one year of losing my grandma and it's going to continue to be tough. For those who read this and have lost a loved one, please know that there are people out there going through it too, and we are here for you. Going through this has taught me so much, and it has made me rely on my family more than ever. My advice is to use those who are around you. Death does crazy things to a person, and if you are grieving alone it will be a long journey. Lean on those surrounding you to help you heal. It could quite possibly be the only thing that gets you out of bed some days.