Loss and Being Strong for Your Own Children

I never thought my father would pass away when he did. Nobody ever expects it, I guess. My father died three years ago, suddenly. He had broken his ankle, had surgery, and passed away from a blood clot two weeks later. I was 31 at the time and my father was 60.

It was very hard. It's still hard and it will always be "hard." I was Daddy's little girl. Not only was he my father, he was one of my best friends. I could tell him anything. He was our rock in my family. People always say "time will heal." Well, it's easier said than done, and most of the people that say that have never lost a loved one. From my experience, it gets easier, but you never get over it. You just learn to live with it.

Now, the thing is, when you have to try to explain to an almost six-year-old his grandpa went to Heaven, it's not something you really know how to do. When I came home from the hospital, I tried to explain to him that Pa-paw got sick and he's in Heaven now. Of course I was just beside myself. My emotions were crazy. He just looked at me and said OK. I didn't know if I was shocked by that answer. I guess I was prepared for the worst, but in a way, that was probably a good thing. He was six, he didn't understand. My daughter was three so no explanation was required. She just wouldn't have had any idea what I was talking about.

My brother and I both have children and we just didn't know what to do. Both of our dads parents had passed away within the past two years as well. They were older and lived good lives, so it was easier. But for the older grandchildren, it was hard. They didn't understand and no one could help them understand. We just prayed and told them it would be OK. It was so hard for us. We had to be strong for our mother and our children. We had our moments and cried it out with friends and family, but most of it was away from the children. You don't want to let your children see you so upset, but we've never not told our children about death. We take them to viewings and funerals and they are OK with it.

But still, most people are clueless on how to deal with loss and being strong for your own children. Some people would tell me, "I'm worried about you" or "You're not grieving enough." I mean, come on lady! What am I supposed to do?! No one has prepared us for this. But as parents, you want to do what's best for your children, so we decided to be as strong as we could and not show our emotions fully in front of them. We thought it was for the best. Now, I'm not saying we didn't have our moments. I would take a walk and have some time to myself and grieve. I would call friends or family and just have a crying session. The one time, I slipped and was sitting in my bed talking with my husband. My daughter was sitting there and I was talking and crying. My daughter just started bawling her eyes out. Just because they can sense when things aren't right and mommy was obviously upset. I said I would never do that again. Sure, my kids see me cry. I cry when I'm really mad or really stressed out, so I don't hide it from them. They have to know it's OK to cry and have emotions.

My son decided to get emotional about three months later. I guess he realized Pa-Paw hadn't been around and he got upset. He called me to his room and was crying saying he missed Pa-Paw. One night he said he had a dream and Pa-paw told him he was OK and everything would be alright. That was Heaven sent.

Three years have gone by and it has gotten easier, but emotionally, it's still hard. The kids are fine. I always try to bring Pa-paw up so they won't forget how wonderful he was.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's OK to be upset. It's OK to let your children see you upset. You do whatever you think is best. Also, it just depends on the age. My step-daughters were 15 and 12. They were pretty close with him as well, so it was harder for them. My brother also had a 14, ten and seven-year-old. The little ones just go on and play, but the older ones are more challenging.

Just let them know that they are loved and be there for them. Just do your best. We are not perfect. We are only human. We will make mistakes in our lifetime. But by the grace of God, it will all be alright.