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Life After Suicide

A Mother's Story of Grief

By Gail S.Published 7 years ago 4 min read
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FACT: Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S.

FACT: Each year 44,193 Americans die by suicide.

FACT: For every 25 suicides, 25 attempts are made.

FACT: It is the most horrific news you will ever hear as a parent "I'm sorry, but your son took his own life."

It was Saturday 4:00 pm, November 11, 2013, when the police pulled up at the front of our home. Our 30-year-old son had been missing since the previous Wednesday night.

That was the last night we saw him. As Mom, I knew in my heart what he was thinking. His hugs seemed to mean so much more. The tears in his eyes told me I would never see him again. My heart hurt.

He was my special baby. The "good boy" all his life. My pride and joy. Never in trouble with the law, everybody's friend and such a joy to be around. His adult life was not without problems. A bad marriage but a beautiful daughter. He was a great dad, but somewhere along the line, he got real sad.

He always had the ability to hide his emotions when he was upset. He tried to always be positive that things would get better. He didn't open up easily about his marriage issues but we had the feeling there were serious problems.

Thursday the 9th, we got a letter in the mail from him. It was a goodbye letter. We knew what was about to happen. Our attempts to call him got us nowhere. His phone was off with the battery pulled out. The scariest feelings rushed through me as I tried to calmly think of what to do. This couldn't be happening, not to us, not our son. It was.

As I drove to the police station to report it, a million things ran through my head. I have never felt so scared. I was on an emotional roller coaster and it wouldn't stop. The police put out a missing person alert for him and the panic set in. We drove everywhere looking for him. Continued to call his phone only to hear, "The person you are trying to reach has a voicemail that is not set up." The word went viral on social media as we put the word out that he could not be found.

All day Friday, everyone we knew was searching. My phone was ringing off the hook and we still had no answers. I didn't sleep and it wasn't looking good after 24 hours of searching. This would not end well and I knew it. In my heart, I knew all along. A sharp pain in my chest told me he was gone.

Saturday came and so did the news. The worse day of my life. The one thing no parent ever wants to hear. The police gave us the news that he had taken his life and was gone. I was numb! Then broke down. It didn't seem real. My baby was gone. Never to see him or hear his laugh again. Never to hear him say, "I love you, Mom," or feel his arms around me again. Never to see his beautiful face, or see how he would light up a room when he walked in. Forever gone. Nothing left but memories.

The days that followed I really don't remember very well. It was all kind of foggy. Surrounded by lots of people and lots of tears. Thinking there should have been something I could've or should've done. Now the guilt took over. I was Mom, why didn't I do something!?

There are 7 stages of grief:

  • Shock and denial — Yeah, I definitely felt that one.
  • Pain and guilt — Yup, felt that too.
  • Anger and bargaining — I felt this later.
  • Depression, reflection, loneliness — From the minute I got the news.
  • The upward turn - Only slightly felt this.
  • Reconstruction and working through — I tried really hard with this.
  • Acceptance and hope — I still can't get to this final step.

Over the past 3 years, I have grown to understand why he did what he did. For him, it was the only option. At least, that's what I tell myself.

I like to believe that no matter what anyone had told him, he still would have taken the same route. I believe everything happens for a reason, and we don't always understand those reasons. Maybe we aren't intended to. If it was peace he was searching for, I hope he found just that.

Yes, he left his friends and family to carry our loss for the rest of our time and in a way, selfish to take away his pain only to leave us in a different kind of pain.

Not a day goes by that he is not in my thoughts and on my mind. Yes, it has gotten easier but on occasion, I still cry over the loss. He will always be with me in my heart. I think talking about him and the experience helps me to deal with those difficult days.

I want others who have gone through this to understand, you NEVER get over it, it ALWAYS hurts and you NEVER forget, but in time...the pain does ease and it does get better. Just remember the good times and smile.

how togrief
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About the Creator

Gail S.

I am complicated, confusing and misunderstood but I am real. Life is too short to be anything but happy.

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