I Pulled the Trigger at 9 Years Old

I'm trying to remember the time in my life when chaos first started. Ironically, this story connects to my life now in so many ways. If you read my profile bio, you already know I'm in love with a guy whose baby mama wants me gone. Yes, that's right. You didn't read it wrong. I definitely feel I should tell you about her but not right now. She deserves her own story.

This story is about my mother. When I was two years old, my parents split and went to court. Right away, my dad was awarded sole custody. My mother was abusing prescription pills, never being on time for visits, and probably was a useless person back then. I didn't see my mom at all for years, until I turned eight years old. I remember my dad pulling me onto his lap on Christmas morning, saying that I'm going to go see this "lady" who is my mom, and that I should have lots of presents. I was super confused, because my dad had already been with my step mom since I was three years old, and all I knew was that SHE was my mom. Not this "lady." So within a few hours, I was standing at the door, jacket and boots on waiting for some lady I've never met to come pick me up and take me away from my daddy. I remember when I first saw her, she had darker skin, short blonde hair, dark brown eyes, and she was really skinny. How could this be my mother? She looked nothing like me. Or I guess I looked nothing like her. I smiled at her and walked out out of my house to her car, looking back for my daddy.

When we got to her house, I smelled yummy food and baking, and I saw a Christmas tree, and lots of presents under the tree. I started to feel a little bit better. The lady said I could open all of the presents. Of course I did. Lots of dolls and barbies. A girl's dream come true. The lady was really happy to see how excited I was. I played with my toys for awhile and than I ate some food and went home. I don't remember a lot of that day, but I shared what I do remember.

I turned nine in April the following year, and I was still having consistent visits with the lady. By September, it happened again. My dad pulled me onto his lap, and started explaining to me, "Your mom got into some trouble, she's going to go away for awhile, she's sick" — Only for me to find out she went to jail.

Here's the weird part, the news article I'm looking at right now says the house had drugs, guns, and BOMBS, and I was going there for visits... there's a story, that I've been told, by my older brother... he told me that one day, we came across one of the guns, and I picked it up and held it up, like I used to see them do on TV, and I didn't know anymore, and went to pull the trigger, with the gun pointing at my big brother.

I don't remember. He said he stood there, he didn't even try and move. He said, "Haley don't touch it, put it down," apparently many times, but being nine years old, why would I listen to my big brother ? Thankfully, 1) The gun wasn't loaded and 2) The gun's safety was on. I've noticed that a nine-year-old probably should remember something like that, but according to my doctors, I've been blacking out my entire childhood. But I'm slowly putting the puzzle pieces back together.

You can bet your behind that my mother never saw me again. 😔