I'm Coping, But I'm Not Okay

June 19, 2016 will forever be a horrifyingly beautiful reality check to me. I thought I knew what it meant to be in despair, to feel as though my life was truly about to crumble and have little worth in this world. My stepfather showed me otherwise on the day he decided to kick me out. He blamed me for many things, from my sister's disinterest in her personal hygiene to the altercation between her and my brother.

It was decided that I was unfit to be a part of their family because I refused to exact corporal punishment on my sister. He said that I was "refusing to execute a command by God" when I decided to go against him in this need to punish her. I'm still curious as to whether or not I've truly pissed off God. It wouldn't matter, not when I have no faith in a higher power of any kind. I also do not believe in corporal punishment, for the simple fact that the line can be blurred and mistaken as abuse, which I have been a victim of for nearly ten years of my life.

"Either you punish her or risk being homeless."

It was a no brainer for me, obviously. I chose to be homeless rather than "punish" my sister. I, who was forever deemed as a selfish, ungrateful child who never once seemed to care for her sister, chose to leave that house. He told me I had thirty minutes to pack and get the hell out. I started packing. I was calm on the surface, I felt hollow inside. The panic didn't set in until I decided to stop packing to text my boyfriend.

The more I texted him, the more I felt that my life had no meaning. "Everything I worked so hard for, my education, my job interview...my future...means absolutely nothing now." With that thought swirling in my mind, I left my things behind and went on the "world's longest walk." I thought I had it all figured out, I was going to just disappear for three days and let the elements eat away at me. I even chose a route I'd never taken before. Somewhere down the line, I broke my phones to pieces, afraid that my family or someone would realize my instability and try to stop me.

I didn't have to worry about that though, my parents weren't even worried. They assumed it was just a phase. I slept at my boyfriend's house and then took my dog to the pound the next day. I'd felt guilty about everything I'd tried to do and felt I didn't deserve her anymore, I didn't think my parents deserved her either, not when my stepfather threatened to break her neck if I didn't take her outside.

My mother was pissed off that I did that, even though she was practically begging me to get rid of her. She yelled at me about that, called me every name in the book and even threatened to kick my ass if I ever showed up at her house. "You're nothing but a dead bitch to me."

Roughly thirty minutes later, she calls back and says she's calmed down and that I can come retrieve my things. I got them and left. I think she expected me to say something to her, but there were no words. She still had plenty to say though, since she decided to tell my boyfriend to get tested and claimed to have destroyed documents concerning my identity. The only thing she destroyed is my social security card.

A week went by and I didn't cry once. I live in a safe place currently, I have plans to go back to school and next week Thursday I have a job interview. I thought I was dead and defeated when my stepfather kicked me out, but now I feel grateful. If he hadn't, I'd still be a shell of my former self, being bled dry of money meant for my education. In a way, he saved me from not only myself but from him and my mother. I also realized that I have so many people outside my family who do cherish and believe in me. I have people who are kind to me because they want to be, not out of necessity.

It does get better. I witnessed that firsthand. I was close to slipping away into a void I couldn't come back from, all because my family had such a strong hold on me mentally. I also realized I wouldn't get to enjoy talking to all my friends on Saiko and Facebook if I left. I wanted to continue to wake up every day and tell everyone how lucky I was to have met them, to speak to them. I wanted to be able to roleplay and share cool stories and so on. I didn't want to leave this world. I used to think that my parents were my biggest critics, but the truth is that I'm my biggest critic. I mean, I mentally bash myself every day, wishing I could be perfect!

All in all, I'm glad I'm alive and telling the truth.But I'm far from okay, I'm still coping.