How I Coped With Having a Miscarriage

Many women dream as a kid about having the perfect wedding and having children of their own. To be just like their moms. I always wondered if I would have children or if I even wanted children. After meeting my husband and marrying him, I knew he is the only one that I could ever want kids with. He was the one that had me dreaming about being a mom. I knew I would never be as amazing as my mom is but I could try. After two and a half years of marriage, I found out I was finally going to have the chance to be like my mom. To be a mom meant the world to me. I was excited and scared. There was a life inside me and I hadn't the first clue as to what to do. I told Roger, my husband, and that same smile I fell in love with was bigger than ever. There was a light in our eyes and we couldn't wait to share with our families. But what we eventually shared with our families was anything but happiness. The smiles faded and that light in our eyes burnt out.

I heard before that one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage but I never thought I would be that one. And let me tell you, being that one is the worst feeling. We had a hard time wrapping our heads around what was happening. The doctor told us that my HCG levels was 5. I told him I had taken a digital test. He told us that HCG usually has to be above 25 to come out positive on those tests. So my HCG was high enough to come out positive but started dropping soon after the test. My heart was breaking with every word he was saying. He asked if I was in any pain and at that point I wasn't really. When he left, my eyes flooded with tears of pain and anguish. I couldn't believe this was happening to us. Roger told me to slide over in the bed and he sat with me. He put his feet up next to mine, wrapped his arms around me and held me as I sobbed. I knew he was trying to be strong for me which hurt more. I felt horrible. I couldn't imagine how he felt, knowing there is nothing in the world he could say to me or do for me that would take any of this pain away. For him to have to deal with this and also feel helpless, it made me feel so much worse. This wasn't just my baby, it was his. He had probably thought if it were a boy, when would he teach him to play ball? If it was a girl, would he have to go to her make-believe tea parties? We were broken.

After crying for a while, a woman came in to take me to an ultrasound to make sure everything was fine. By this time, the pain from the contractions had intensified. She told me that the baby was no longer inside me. I looked on the screen and saw my uterus. Empty. I could feel the tears coming back. I turned away from the screen and held on to Roger's hand. I didn't want to see anything else. While I was at the hospital, I bled, a lot. The doctor said the bleeding would last a few days or even a few weeks. He told me to expect contractions and cramps for the next few days. I didn't know what to do. Honestly I didn't have the strength to do anything else. Then I remembered, I still had something to do. I had to tell my parents.

Roger is kind of private about things and didn't want a lot of people knowing what we were going through at the moment. He knew, though, that we had to tell my parents. He knew that their love and support would help me. Telling my mom was hard. I told her that we originally were coming home that weekend to tell them the good news, but the good news turned into heart break. She told me that it was up to us if we wanted to still come down for the rest of the weekend. She said she understood if I wanted to stay home and rest. I didn't want to rest. I wanted my family. My mom told my dad. I knew for sure I couldn't tell him. We all had been through so much in the past few months, especially my dad, and I didn't want to tell him more bad news. I texted my older brother because I didn't want mom or dad to tell him. He didn't know what to say to me. He told me he loves me and that was all I wanted for him to say. I asked Roger if he wanted to tell anyone in his family. He had already told his aunt because he was asking her questions and trying to sort it all out. He said he didn't want to. I could tell he was hurting and didn't want to press anymore on it. A few hours later, we left the hospital and went to get something to eat. I'm pretty sure after that, I slept the rest of the day. The next day we went to my parent's house where we always stay if we are in town.

That whole weekend, I felt horrible. The pain from what the doctor said were contractions were awful. Seeing our families helped me feel a little better but only during the day. At night, I cried. I cried for weeks. The contractions, cramps, and bleeding had stopped but the overwhelming grief was still there. I was mad. I was hurt. So I took a break. A break from God.

I didn't want to talk to God about any of it. He took away one of the greatest blessings I ever had. I knew if I had talked to God at that point I would have said a lot of things I would have regretted. I know God is a big boy and can take whatever I had to say, but when I say I had things I wanted to say to Him, I mean my language probably would have been worse than the devil's.

After not speaking to God for roughly three months, I got out my Bible. Just holding it again felt good. By this point, Roger and I had started to talk about getting pregnant again. My mood had changed. I was more relaxed. I was happier and started to pray again. I realized that God never gave me a situation that I couldn't handle. He knew I could do it all. The sadness was still there. I know now that the hurt will never really heal. But we can start moving on with our lives.

I think about our baby a lot. What gender would it have been? My guess is a girl. I know he/she is okay in heaven. I know one day I will hold him or her in my arms.

Right now, Roger and I are looking for a house to buy near our families. We are hoping to have another baby soon. We are happier and stronger than we were before all this. Our faith is stronger. We will never forget our first baby we never got to meet, but can't wait to meet their siblings.