Guilty of Feeling Guilty

If you’re a parent, are you one of the majority (including me), who feels guilty ALL the time? What’s with that? Seriously, we have to stop this.

Besides the fact that there is a constant competition (we cannot avoid this) over whose kids will sit, crawl, talk, walk first, we allow ourselves to compete with an ideal version of OURSELVES! We are just setting ourselves up for endless unhappiness.

Yet somehow, we use our guilt to measure ourselves as parents. And it goes something like this: if you work and you feel guilty about not spending that time with your kids. What if you’re late to pick up your kids due to unforeseen circumstances like transport issues or meetings running over? You guessed it, more guilt.

What if you don’t work, you feel guilty for the amount of time you spend with your kids but you don’t put one hundred percent effort into it. If they sit down without a planned activity, you feel guilty. If they watch tv (heaven forbid you get a rest), then you feel guilty. If it’s pouring outside and you stay indoors rather than brave two kids in a buggy whilst fighting the wind with an umbrella in the other hand, you feel guilty.

And did you know what happens with guilt like this? It turns into something you don’t see coming and it points it’s nasty arrow to no one other than your kids. Resentment. Then the time you do spend with them becomes filled with resentment and we cannot enjoy what we are doing because we feel that it’s not good enough!

But this feeling is still preferable to allowing ourselves to not feel guilty because that would mean that we are, wait for it... bad mothers.

And let me just ask according to who? Who makes this rule that if you can live without mum guilt, then you are a bad mum? Us! This rule we hate so much and is at the root of our unhappiness as parents, is made by us. I am a voluntary participant and co-creator of this rule.

Well not anymore. And you can fluff up your feathers at me or call me a bad mum if you want but I’m not going to believe you because that anger should be channelled at something more useful.

I choose to break this rule. I am a mom who willingly put my career on hold to raise little people. They are demanding and ungrateful and so was I when I was a child because that’s what children are. In their inherent struggle for survival they are focused on learning and gaining and that is normal!

My job as a mum is not to feel valued or appreciated or thanked at the end of the day. My job is to raise little people into responsible happy big people who don’t feel guilty over the things they can’t achieve. Isn’t that what we want to teach them? Then lead by example.

If they don’t eat enough veg then try something else like hiding it or giving it to them in a drink rather than food, or give them a supplement. And if they still don’t take it, then try again tomorrow but please don’t feel guilty. You tried and you may not have succeeded YET, but you may at some point. Just keep on trying.

Some adults will still not eat vegetables. My brother is a fine example. And despite him never having eaten a full portion of vegetables in his life, he’s a fully grown, handsome and intelligent man and dad himself.

And what if I don’t have an activity list planned for the day or we stay indoors when it rains? What then?

Then my kids may just learn that this is life. Some days we make it out in the rain and some days we don’t.

But what is witnessing a parent who constantly feels guilty teaching our children? That you can never be content? That you can never be good enough for them?

They will either grow up felling guilty about everything they do including making you feel guilty all the time or they will become grown ups who think the world owes them everything.

Think about it. If you witnessed a parent who is constantly guilty for not spending enough time with you because they’re working, then you might feel that you have to spend every waking moment of the weekend with them. Would you want to try new things on weekends? No, because they are unknowingly making you feel responsible for their guilt. Didn’t they say they are working to provide for you? So you want to do other stuff but now you can’t because you don’t want them feeling worse so you stay with your parents all weekend and that in itself leads to resentment.

Or, you think that it’s normal or right for them to feel guilty. Then when you’re an adult you expect people to feel guilty if they cannot give you what you want. So you can only connect with those who do feel guilty because that means they love you

Is that what we want?

Can we allow ourselves to believe that we are doing our best and leave it there without dipping it and deep frying it in guilt and posting it on Pinterest?

I’m letting go of this and to be honest without the guilt I have a lot more energy to enjoy this moment. My child is currently making a mess painting and I’m letting him paint by himself because he can do it by himself. He doesn’t need my hovering over him, telling him how to do it or what to paint. I’m in the same room as him doing something I want and I’m not going to feel guilty about it. He’s ok!

And today at the park, I’m going to sit and watch him play and make friends and maybe have arguments over who gets to go down the slide first and I’m not going to interfere because I feel my wonderful creation should be the first to go. I’m going to let him do it himself because this moment is about him and about him learning skills he will need later in life and I’m not going to steal that from him in order to prevent myself from feeling guilty over not helping him through these arguments. This parenting thing is not about me.

And if I catch myself feeling guilty I’m going to ride it out and not give into it. Some guilt is natural and we can’t avoid it completely. But I’m not going to feel guilty for feeling guilty and I’m not going to allow my guilt to measure how good of a parent I am. I do my best. I fail sometimes. It’s ok. I’m doing my best and that is something to be proud of.