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Bad Parenting

I'm a bad parent.

By Michelle SchultzPublished 6 years ago 6 min read
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I am a single mom. My day begins and ends with picking up toys. Harry the Bunny's theme song is stuck in my head for 90 percent of the morning. My "me time" consists of a bubble bath where I'm turning the water off every five minutes to listen for crying. Why? Why is this my life at 24 years old? Because I was a fucking idiot and had sex with an even bigger idiot. But he was "the one" and we were going to be together forever. Even though we weren't really together and instead of paying me child support this month he decided to take a vacation outside of the country. As soon as that test turned positive he turned into a positive asshole. Not that that stopped me from trying to get him to be a dad or sleep with him when I was drunk... but we all make mistakes, right? Just took me almost four years to learn that he was a mistake. Sorry dad, you were right. He's a loser. I did get one good thing out of those somewhat wasted years though: our daughter is pretty fucking amazing. I have no idea what I would do without her. I also have no fucking idea what I'm doing with her.

Which brings me to the whole point of this article: I am a bad parent. I've read the books and they all pretty much contradict each other. The mom blog websites are all kinda scary and a lot of those moms are pretty much insane. Not that I'm very sane either, but I don't really think that my kid watching a show about crayons is teaching her that it's wrong to color outside the lines. I've gone to my parents for advice and immediately regretted it. Don't get me wrong, they have helped me out more than I could ever imagine. But the second I ask for their advice I always wind up kicking myself in the ass for it. It's basically me giving them permission to insult my parenting without really insulting it. "Oh honey, I would never do that with you... but we all have different parenting styles..." As their eyes pretty much roll so far back in their head that it might actually be physically hurting them. We won't even go into the stranger advice that pretty much every parent gets offered. Am I the only one that thinks it's weird that old people think it's okay to walk up and touch your baby and ask for your life story and then compare it to theirs? Like yes, I do have it so easy because I can watch TV with my daughter. My generation IS so lazy when it comes to raising kids, thank you for noticing. Can you please stop petting my daughter like she's a dog? I don't want her to smell like your horrible old lady perfume, thanks. Or my personal favorite, the "perfect parent." You know who I'm talking about. They always look at you with that "Oh my gosh, you poor thing" look when you tell them you're a single parent and then they brag to you about how much they read to their kid and how gluten, fat, and fun free their kid's diet is. Sorry, I let my daughter eat chocolate ice cream with me and I don't feel bad for that one. No, I didn't get her allergy tested as soon as she was born, and yes, I let her play in the germ infested ball pit. I'm so fucking horrible. Someone come arrest me.

Seriously though, being a single parent and feeling like your failing is not uncommon. I know more single parents who feel that way than I do single parents who feel they have it all together. Not a day goes by that I don't feel like I'm somehow doing something to let my daughter down. I constantly feel overwhelmed, like I'm being judged, like I'm drowning and selfish for thinking that because I should be more focused on how my daughter is feeling. My one-and-half-year-old daughter who, by the way, cannot actually speak to tell me how she feels yet. The number of times a day I blame myself is outstanding. I blame myself that she's not speaking full sentences yet. I blame myself that her father's an ass. I worry about how I'm going to explain my parenting to her as she grows up. I worry about whether or not she's on the right learning track. Someone brought up to me that her enjoying hitting might be a sign that she's on the spectrum and I had a slight freak out about that. I'm not sure why. I know A.) She's probably not, B.) She's probably too young to tell and, C.) Even if she is, I would still have no idea what I'm doing so it's not like a whole lot would change aside from the parenting books I read. But being a single parent, my anxiety levels have at least tripled. Living in my hometown hasn't helped any because everyone around here is a huge gossip and according to the rumors, damn, am I a bad mom or what? Not a day goes by that I am not scared shitless that I am doing something to screw up my daughter...

...Then she laughs. I melt. Every problem in the world melts away. It doesn't matter that I let her watch TV probably more than she should. I don't care if I'm working enough on her reading and social skills. I forget that my parents are still mad at me for going out two weeks ago and getting sloshed at the bar and leaving her with my sister for the night. I don't worry about leaving her with a sitter too much. I no longer give a fuck if she's going to pick up my horrible swearing habit. When she giggles and runs up to me with that smile, I'm fucking proud to be a bad parent. I may not be a perfect parent. People can judge me all they want. I let my daughter eat sugar and have given her hot dogs everyday for lunch for three days straight because it's the only thing I could get her to eat. So call me a bad parent, I don't care. Because at least I know my daughter doesn't think of me like that. I can only hope that when she grows up, I didn't fuck her up too much, and she remembers that mommy tried her hardest. If when my daughter looks back on her childhood, the only thing she remembers is that I was constantly trying to do everything, even if I was sometimes failing, I'll consider it okay. I was trying. My daughter is alive and healthy and beautiful (not sure how that last one happened 'cause her father and I are hideous) and I am a bad parent, doing my best to not screw my daughter up too much. And I'm thankful every goddamn day for every nerve wracking, anxiety ridden second I have with her and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Even if I do have to watch Tec the Tractor before my morning coffee.

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About the Creator

Michelle Schultz

I'm mostly an editorial writer. I love to share my opinions and experiences. I don't hold back and I swear so if you take offense easily, my articles probably aren't for you. I'm a single mom just trying to stay sane.

@loreleismom

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