A Light In the Dark

Dear Naomi,

When you were born, I felt the entire universe change and things started to align, I felt myself change. I was no longer just a normal person living her everyday life, just another number on a paper or screen. Suddenly, I was Aunt Britt, the person who would spoil you rotten and give you everything your parents said you couldn't have. I was the person you would go to when you couldn't tell anyone else your secrets without judgement, or the person you turned to when you had no one else. I was going to be the person that made you laugh until you cried, I would wipe away any tears you shed, happy or unhappy. I would make you smile and feel safe and I would make you feel important. I would do all of that and then some, because at that time in my life, no one was doing any of that for me.

Maybe they were, I'm sure I had people who reached out to me and tried to make a connection, or people if I turned to they would talk to me and they would understand. But at that time, I couldn't ask for help and I wouldn't have because I thought I didn't need it, I had already made my decision. I had already decided that life wasn't worth it.

Then you came along and suddenly I was filled with this wondrous light that just filled until I thought I couldn't be any more full. Looking down into your chubby little face and seeing your eyes squint open, your little mouth moving into a silent yawn, your tiny fingers clenched into a fist. Just by existing, you made me want to live, for you.

It would take a while before I learned to live for myself. I was the overweight girl with hardly any friends, the friends I had weren't acting like ones and I didn't want to be around anyone else. I was bullied and even if that wasn't their intention, saying anything remotely harsh to a depressed girl it enough to set them off. I turned to cutting, thinking that would help and if not, at the very least it would get me attention. When that didn't help, I was ready to quit. But your little face, your life kept me going. Over the years, it still keeps me going.

I'm no longer in that place, I'm happy and I have friends and family who love me and always support me, always have. I see that now. But when things start to go dark, and things start to close in on me, you're there.

You don't tell me all of your secrets and talk to me about every little problem, but I'm not sure how many secrets a five year old would have just yet.

I already spoil you rotten and give you everything your parents say no to, and hearing your little laugh brightens my entire day and just thinking about it brings a big smile to my face.

I know now this letter means nothing to you, especially since you can't read. In five more years it still might not mean anything to you, but one day I hope that you'll understand just how special and important you all to me and because of that, above else, no matter what, you keep on living.

If not for yourself, then for me.